Car test

Okayyyy~ so, I've listened to all the talks and passed the undang objectives questions.

It's time for Bahagian 2 and 3.

Before taking that exam, I got the same feeling I got last week, mid term add maths exam. Before getting back my add maths result, I got a feeling,  a bad feeling knowing that I won't do good. And it turns out to be true. That's the 1st ever subject in my life I fail something. It meant a lot to me. And this time, I got the same feeling before taking tha car test.

I knew for some reason, that I'll fail. And I did. I cannot seemed to touch the line drawn on the ground. I felt super disappointed. Because through all the training, I've been good. I could say that I've been trained fully but yet I still fail because of nervousness.

I can never concentrate well when I'm being in super nervous mood. Means my mind will be blank. Everything blank. And my friend some more taking the exam with me. That makes me even more nervous.

When I'm nervous, I usually do stuff alone. But when there's someone else,  I'll definitely fail it.

I don't think anyone could imagine how disappointed I am towards myself. Since I didn't show it to anyone... so it's kinda my fault.

BEFORE THE CAR TEST :

There's a few time I got sick of feeling that nervousness. I wanted to hurt myself. XD Hahahaha no worries, I didn't do anything. But seriously, I was fed up with my nervousness. I even went online searching ways to calm myself down but it's all bullcrap. Everything I've done before. Didn't help.

Once, I really had it and cried in the room. Thank god dad n mum not at home. Wanted to call my closest friend but she didn't pick up. So I gave up calling and wrote a letter to her. While crying.

U have to understand, I HATED the feeling of being nervous and each and everything I do reminds me of the car test and I panicked each freaking time and nervous each freaking time.

After a few days, it really help. I don't feel that nervous anymore. But then as days went by and closer to the car test, I noticed the effect wore off. I was stupidly super nervous and thus failed Bahagian 2.

But luckily passed Bahagian 3 as my nervousness has numbed me...

AFTER THE CAR TEST (fail)

No one could see the disappointment I have towards myself. Cause when they asked,  I'd only give a sad face and comment randomly. They thought I'm okay.

My dad laughed at me when he knew I failed n that definitely didn't help at all. My mum say I did not follow the steps so that's why I fail. But anyways... They're not me, I'm not them.. I don't know why they think like that and they definitely don't know how nervous n fed up I was with myself.

Then another time... when my mum went out with her frenz at night. I'm in the room alone. Before I took a bath, I cried. And cried. And tried calling both of my closest friends. But 1 did not pick up as usual. The other is busy. So... why not take a bath 1st, maybe I won't feel that sad anymore.

And I did. I bath while crying the whole time. It's embarrassing to say but yeaaaa. I cried endless through the bath.

After that I stayed in the room trying to wait for my frenz to reply me. But nothing. I can't hold it anymore so I find someone I trust and tell him would he mind if I call n I was crying. He say he won't. So I called.

I thought I've calm down after all the crying but once I said both of my frenz are currently unavailable, I started to break down and cry once again.

At that time, I really thought that I'm so pathetic that I have so little friends to tell my secrets or share my emotions. But then again... It's not them... It's me. I don't trust them enough to do so...

Ok... so I called and cried and say random stuff that made me sad. He's just there listening n really supported me. Even though later I find that it's a stupid move I made... but I did not regret it. I'm glad I called him. Thanks so much.!

I got a better feeling on my retake car test... and so.. I finally passed it. Yay me... but it feels like a dream... doesn't seem real...

I was able to drive normally cause I converted some of the nervousness to anger... that helped a lot.. thanks again. His support really meant a lot to me. Thanks.

Eating Food Together

Okayyyyy. So... My food are usually packed by mum and dad and I'll eat it at home. My mum and dad doesn't cook.. so yea, have been eating outside food since I'm in primary school. Can't say since I'm born cause.. I'd either be drinking milk or eating my nanny's cooking <3

If I'm going out to eat.. It's usually with my mum or with the accompany of my mum. I never like going out to eat with my dad. 1st, he's annoying. 2nd, we have nothing to talk about. 3rd, it's awkward.

We only eat dinner together when there's somebody's birthday. And it's even MORE awkward. Because there's very less topic we could talk about. All the topic we've talked about are about their working and stuff like that. I could never joined in because I don't understand at all. At least there's mum, who I can actually chat something random things about.

Eating with my brothers give me stress. They eat super fast, and I'm slow. They'll have to wait for me if I don't hurry up. And to catch up, I'll have to eat super fast which will make me vomit. And there's nothing to chat about between us. NOTHING except for studies or results. OR SILENCE there. I don't think anyone could understand how SILENCE could be this loud.

Eating with my dad is even worse. I don't like eating with him. I don't know why. Just by looking at his face ticks me off. With his stupid annoying smile everytime he disturbed me and trying to be fun. THAT'S NOT FUN AT ALL. IT'S SUPER IRRITATING AND U DON'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP.

And today~ 2nd bro wanna treat dad to dinner eating western. Mum went out with friends as usual. Big bro trying to leave the house and join his friends as usual. Dad wanted me to join them. HELL NO. IT"S EVEN MORE SAD TO KNOW THAT EVEN IF WE WENT OUT TO EAT DINNER TOGETHER, WE GOT NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.! THERE'S NOT EVEN A SINGLE TOPIC OTHER THAN MY STUDIES. FUCK.

That's why I rather stay at home and enjoy myself. But they don't get it. They never do. Of course they won't. They're not me, they don't think like me.

If I could... I would just go to my friends' house anytime I want like in anime[s]. This is why anime makes my day.