Me

                         Sometimes I feel useless. I've told myself over and over again to start working hard on my studies. But every time it's  a Friday or weekend... I would just let my guard down and waste my time on tv, manga, and anime[s]. I hate this. I really really hate this. Because I can't be like my friends nor brothers. They're results are like. Much better than mine in anyway. Once, my 2nd bro was talking about results with me. I can't answer him. BECAUSE, I'm not as good as them, nor even half of them. I suck. I hate this part. I really wanna change that. I really really want to show them what I'd got. But I guess, when you're growing, other grows too, so if u want to out grown them, u have to grow faster than them. JL once ask Why Do I Care About My Results If My Mum Doesn't Care. That hurt. But I can't answer that time. I don't know why. But now I've found my answer. Because, I don't want to be that person, "because-no-one-care-then-suck-person". Most of everything came out from JL's mouth about me are sarcastic. It's her attitude. But she doesn't noticed it. She just thinks it's because she was being straight forward. I don't like how she shows her face when her results are lower than mine and hit me seriously. But when I got lower marks than hers, she don't allow me to even complain that my marks are lower than hers. Haiz.

                           Sometimes I feel I'm not needed. I mean. There's so many people around the world. Even if I'm gone, even if someone will be sad when I'm gone... I'll then just become a memory that was once lived in their lives. Slowly, no one would even care. My existence didn't mean a lot to myself. I would change my health for my mum if I'm healthier than her. I would. Cause she's living her life to the fullest and having fun with her friends. All I do was having fun at home. One of friend says I'm sociable. Hahahaha.. That was so unexpected. Even if I am , I don't feel it. Even if I'm not, it doesn't make any difference.


                          Sometimes I feel that I'm seriously not someone I thought I am. I always thought if I can learn to understand other people, able to feel what other people was feeling, I'll get to be a better person. But I was actually wrong. Understanding them that easily isn't really helpful at all. You get what they are going through. But, no one else knows. But they just used your theories and made them happy. I'm used. Nobody will know I'm the one that understand them the most. But even only understanding them don't help. But being there. I was and am and will. But just that, they won't noticed I was and am and will. Because I'm silently standing not interrupting them. Even though, it's fun to see them to get what they're able to get.



                           Sometimes I can't figure out what I'm feeling and why. My mood swings by easily. It depends on what tone are you using on me, what songs I'd heard, or what I'd saw. Feelings and moods changes so many times and so frequently until I'm unable to catch what's the real me feeling inside. They say living life as a student is to have fun. But how can you get good grades and yet have extreme fun each day. I appreciate each day I'd lived but, I don't think I've live it to the fullest. One of my classmate once asked me Why don't you have fun a bit.? Aren't you bored living like this.? Everyday do homework isn't it bored for you.? And another one said to me Your life doesn't look fun at all.


                             Sometimes I feel very lonely. Where it's only me and me myself.

                            Some times I just become moody and blank. No idea why this happens all of the sudden.

                           But everything's gonna be ok. Because. stuff like this gets buried easily deep down sooner or later.

Set people up

I don't know since when, I've got the habit of setting people up or acting about something. I seriously don't know when or why I'd do that. I've noticed this habit last year, I'm trying to change but I can't seem to get rid of this habit.

I personally can easily see through someone's stuff / feelings / thoughts when I feel like it. But sometimes I didn't mean to do it. I didn't want to know that much. Because knowing all of that hurts myself. Because knowing they're actually lying straight at ur face. Because knowing they're not even trying to tell u the truth.

It really hurts. No one might know how much I've been hurt because no one walks my path so I don't blame them. I blame myself. Sometimes I just want to shut down my feelings and just not feel at all. All of the feelings mixed together confusing me. I don't like that kind of feeling.
Sometimes I'd ask questions I knew the answer to see whether u lied to me or not. This is normal. But... what about setting people up.? Setting them up, knowing which move they will take , knowing what they're gonna say... I feel bad. It's like it's all according to my calculation.

But it isn't that bad. Because of this, I can easily understand. I can know what will happen and feel anticipated.

I've seen it all. But most of all. I can be sure that my parents taught me this.
To know what question can be ask.
To know what things should be done.
To know when actions can be done.
Most importantly,  to know how to hide ur feelings well and act out normal.

2013 Kem Bersepadu

It was my 1st ever camp I'd join. Cause I never like the activities given. I don't like the stuff we need to put up with. I don't like that we have to do what they say accordingly when the teachers don't. They say to improve our style on living. Wad abt them.? Don't they need to learn too.? This is why most of the teachers get cocky.

Never mind that. Haizzzzz. Another reason is, I'm afraid to have a team that doesn't work together. I've heard many stories, see through many kinds of stuff like that happen. I'm afraid that I'll lose control of my temper and people will look at me differently.  Because as they say, the good stuff we did can never be remembered but the bad stuff we did will always be in their mind.

But luckily,  I got a really reliable team mates and leader. I would never change my teammates. I'd really enjoyed every moment of it because of them. They made us laugh, we had lots of fun despite the activities given. They really lifft up my mood. I really really do love them. They are the best. My leader made sure everyone is involved without forcing. Unlike other groups counting on someone to do all the stuff. We really did had fun. I love it.

Before the night walk, I was really scared that I might see something because everyone was being so tensed and nervous. Walking up the hill, was still being scared until my teammates lift uo the mood. My leader and his frenz were so funny and sweet. Slowly I don't feel that scared anymore but troublesome cause it was very slippery and the girl behind kept falling and pulling me. Haiz.

Going down the hill was worse. I kept cursing in my heart each and every moment. I became super irritated, annoyed and pissed off. Cause going down was REALLY slippery and she kept pulling me down. And plus, it's already midnight 1am something and I'm tired and I'm already not that sporty like I used to be.

Thank goodness I survived the night walk. Haizzzzz.