Me

                         Sometimes I feel useless. I've told myself over and over again to start working hard on my studies. But every time it's  a Friday or weekend... I would just let my guard down and waste my time on tv, manga, and anime[s]. I hate this. I really really hate this. Because I can't be like my friends nor brothers. They're results are like. Much better than mine in anyway. Once, my 2nd bro was talking about results with me. I can't answer him. BECAUSE, I'm not as good as them, nor even half of them. I suck. I hate this part. I really wanna change that. I really really want to show them what I'd got. But I guess, when you're growing, other grows too, so if u want to out grown them, u have to grow faster than them. JL once ask Why Do I Care About My Results If My Mum Doesn't Care. That hurt. But I can't answer that time. I don't know why. But now I've found my answer. Because, I don't want to be that person, "because-no-one-care-then-suck-person". Most of everything came out from JL's mouth about me are sarcastic. It's her attitude. But she doesn't noticed it. She just thinks it's because she was being straight forward. I don't like how she shows her face when her results are lower than mine and hit me seriously. But when I got lower marks than hers, she don't allow me to even complain that my marks are lower than hers. Haiz.

                           Sometimes I feel I'm not needed. I mean. There's so many people around the world. Even if I'm gone, even if someone will be sad when I'm gone... I'll then just become a memory that was once lived in their lives. Slowly, no one would even care. My existence didn't mean a lot to myself. I would change my health for my mum if I'm healthier than her. I would. Cause she's living her life to the fullest and having fun with her friends. All I do was having fun at home. One of friend says I'm sociable. Hahahaha.. That was so unexpected. Even if I am , I don't feel it. Even if I'm not, it doesn't make any difference.


                          Sometimes I feel that I'm seriously not someone I thought I am. I always thought if I can learn to understand other people, able to feel what other people was feeling, I'll get to be a better person. But I was actually wrong. Understanding them that easily isn't really helpful at all. You get what they are going through. But, no one else knows. But they just used your theories and made them happy. I'm used. Nobody will know I'm the one that understand them the most. But even only understanding them don't help. But being there. I was and am and will. But just that, they won't noticed I was and am and will. Because I'm silently standing not interrupting them. Even though, it's fun to see them to get what they're able to get.



                           Sometimes I can't figure out what I'm feeling and why. My mood swings by easily. It depends on what tone are you using on me, what songs I'd heard, or what I'd saw. Feelings and moods changes so many times and so frequently until I'm unable to catch what's the real me feeling inside. They say living life as a student is to have fun. But how can you get good grades and yet have extreme fun each day. I appreciate each day I'd lived but, I don't think I've live it to the fullest. One of my classmate once asked me Why don't you have fun a bit.? Aren't you bored living like this.? Everyday do homework isn't it bored for you.? And another one said to me Your life doesn't look fun at all.


                             Sometimes I feel very lonely. Where it's only me and me myself.

                            Some times I just become moody and blank. No idea why this happens all of the sudden.

                           But everything's gonna be ok. Because. stuff like this gets buried easily deep down sooner or later.