Kawaii

Kawaii is the name of my rabbit I've gotten when I was still in form 5. It was still a baby rabbit, like around few months old. She's really cute and she gets scared really really easily.

Every time I carried her, she gets all jumpy that I'm so scared I'll drop her. She's so fluffy like a fur ball, SO CUTE. Every time she pees or shit, she'll do it on her food bowl. I have no idea whyyyyy. Her legs will squat on the edge of the bowl and do her business. Similar to how female humans do, she did it on four legs. hahahahahaa. It's always so cute and amusing catching her doing that.

But then, she died. Yea... Kawaii died.

And everyone started to make a joke out of her death. Just because she's killed by Yuki, my dog.
But I don't get why her death is so amusing that they are able to make a joke about it.

And every time they do, I have to fake a smile because that's what society wants you to be.
A perfect actress.

Kawaii died. Kawaii died. She died.
I don't know what's so funny. I cried and cried because she left.
Because Yuki killed her.

I was mad at her at first. But then I realized it's not her fault. She's an animal.
The fault is in me. I shouldn't have gotten Kawaii.
I shouldn't have gotten her then she wouldn't die.
I should have been more alert.
I indirectly killed Kawaii.

And every now and then they would still pull Kawaii's death as a joke.
And I couldn't do anything about it.
A little of me died inside. I don't even know if there's anything left in me anymore.

Gomen ne, Kawaii... Gomenasai.

I couldn't~

I couldn't exactly just cry in front of them and expect them to make everything feels right.

I couldn't just go upfront and say I'm sick of this living style and make everyone change.

Because that would be unfair to everyone of them. We did everything we could to be accustomed to it, to get used to this. What makes me that they should change?

I couldn't say I want them to stop being distant, because it's their love life and it's they way of living who I am to voice it out. It wouldn't be fair towards them to pretend for the sake of myself.

I couldn't ask them to look and me or even give me a pat on my head and say I'm glad to have you around. Because you can't force someone that doesn't feel that way to do it. Even though I'm glad to have you guys.

I couldn't break down now and complain every single thing because I've been through so far, why should I give up now.

I couldn't tell her to stop what's she doing because it's her happiness she's finding and I shouldn't interfere.

I couldn't tell him he's not doing anything to help because I don't know his thoughts and background.

I couldn't tell them I wanted to be closer to them just because I selfishly wanted to.

I'm selfish, I want things to be my way. I want things to go accordingly to the way I plan.

But I understand not everyone has it good like me. I know there are people with worse circumstances than me. I should appreciate what I have now.

Phew~ always better when everything is let out. Even though I still don't really know how to express through writing.

Ogenki desu ka? How are you?

There are many ways of people asking How Are You...

The first type.

 

1. People who doesn't really care and just ask for the sake of asking. If you say that you're fine, it's none of their business. If you say you're not, it's still really none of their business. They couldn't care less about you.

The second type.

2.  -People that ask genuinely but they really don't want to know much about it and secretly hoping that you would just say you're fine and get over with it. You're too troublesome for them to be bothered. It's wasting their time.

     -People that ask genuinely but felt relief if you said you're fine so that they can get along their lives without troublesome stuff. But if you're not fine, they'd listened. But only listen to ease your troubles and they'll forget about it soon.

The third type.

3. Friends that asked how are you but they were just waiting for you to say you're fine. With an aura saying stop wasting my time and give me an answer already. But you say you're not fine, they'd be concern but they slightly don't bother. However, they'd listen and might give you advice or calm you down. And they remember.

 

The fourth type.

4. Close friends that ask genuinely and with whatever your answer is towards the question, they'll believe it. Because they wouldn't know what to do and how to react even if they knew about the truth is that you're not. If you say you're not, they'd be by your side hoping to ease your pain.

The fifth type.

5. People who genuinely care and really asking how you are and able to see part of your facade. These types might pull people in easily due to their kindness. But honestly, it scares me away because I couldn't see through if you're really being truthful about it or your art of deceive is too professional for me to see it through.

So... How are you?

- side story -

I had a teacher from secondary that cares for all her students. She's always kind and soft. She's the first teacher that saw through " I'm fine ". It scares me that she can see through it. I felt uneasy whenever she starts to talk to me. I would always avoid talking to her alone or the subject being on me. There was once, she asked if I'm okay, I as usual said Yea. She looked me in the eye, frowned and asked again, are you sure?  You don't look fine. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can talk to me. I almost cried, but of course I laugh it off and smile away and thanked her. 

There was another time in the class, she was asking what we're afraid of. I told her. But no one heard me. Students, friends did not hear my answer, but she did and she was wayyyyy in front. When she heard what I was afraid of, she came walking towards me and I panicked. I couldn't think of something to slip that topic off. In the end, I made a joke out of it and thank gawd it slide. 

Every time talking to her, I felt like crying. I have no idea why. 

So I would always avoid her.

She's a great teacher though. It's just me.