People who inspire me the most

There's two people in my life that inspired me since I'm young.
The first one is my nanny, the second would be my mum.

I remember once, I woke up in my nanny's room, it was still really early.
So I was droopy still, i walked out of the room and went downstairs.
I sat in the middle of the staircase. Saw my nanny, walking here and there.
Busy with all the housework.
It was then when it strike my mind, she's strong in her way.
She's hardworking, she's kind, she's lovely.
She's already old but she's still working her bones off.
I really admire her.
I love her cooking.
She's the first person who would actually come look for me when I'm down.
Even when she has a tough life, her eldest son is not a good person, her husband is a son of a ....., her mother in law bosses her around. Yet, she cared for them, give them home.
Her 2nd and youngest son and daughter helps her out. I'm close with them too. =)
I wonder if anyone told her that they're proud of her. Because I am. =D

My mum, same thing.
She stays strong.
Even though she might not be good in concerning still she cares.
She knows how to survive in society.
She taught me a lot of stuff.
Stuff I should and also stuff I shouldn't.
i think the closest person I am with and she is with would be us each other.
She would always be the driver around and she sometimes doesn't mind.
She appreciates her friends a lot, they would always go out now and then to catch up.
I hope mine is the same too.

A side story~
I got this very close primary school friend, she's a klutz.
She's girly, annoying, soft and easy bullied by other people.
But somehow we became best friends.
And I got short tempered.
I would always scold her when she messed up and she would just laugh it off.
I'm like a bodyguard to her.
I'd protect her when someone wants to bully her, pay back people who bullied her.
She's maybe the one that open the lock to my heart. But I never did open the door for her.
Still, I'm glad I get to be friends with her.
Even though she's very annoying.
hahahahaha...

Complicated

I'm weird. hahahahaa...

I know my friends are all busy.
I know they don't only have me as friends in their life.
hmmm...

I know they need to take care of their studies.
I know they have responsibilities.
I know they may not have time anymore.
I know they're busy.

I know. OwO

But yea.. hahahahahha..
Guess that things won't always be the same.
Guess that people will still put others first instead of you.
Guess that you might not be that as important as it was before.

I know. O.O

Studies.
Exams.
Different group of gangs.
Assignments

You can't balance them if you don't know how to manage them.

I know. ^^

Money.
Transport.
Time.

Most important thing.
But they'll make time if they're willing to.

I know. =)

Parents permission.

Because it's mostly them.

I know and understand. =D

Different goals, different importance.

I know. =3

Just wanna say, I love you guys till the max <3

So it's ok. I believe one day, maybe, that I'll work my way up back to your number one spot.

YOSHHHHHHHHH.. don't feel down, don't feel sad.
They don't mean it. They love me too.
It's just busy right now.

I'll do anything to make it stay that way. Just hope that I'll stop breaking down. Lol.
Yoshhhhhh..

Talking with Inner part 1

So...
xD I have this habit of debating with myself..
There's me, Inner ( who usually debates with me all the time ) and Dark Inner ( who sometimes just appear out of no where and curse someone )

Nope, it's not a split personality.

hahahaha.. then when I was studying for my exam.. I got super bored and thought of this scenes..
It's not that funny.. it's just made out of boredom. But i just feel like sharing.
xP


" Organic Chem.! why did you do this to my Memory.! " - Brain

" Brain is now crying because you ruin memory... " - Inner

" So now, we want to call upon a full on war towards Organic Chem to launch their hatred and REVENGE. " -  Synapses

___________________________________________________________________________________


" Please Brain, go slap yourself. " - Inner

" What.?! How dare you, you insolent brat.! " - Brain

" I'm not a brat.! I'm Inner.! " - Inner

" And that, just proved my point. " - Brain

" Drop dead and die. All of you.. " - Dark Inner.

" D.I, go back to your rightful cage and stop coming out. " - Brain

" I take no orders from no one.! " - Dark Inner.

" Oh D.I ~~ Synapses are gonna cling onto you if you don't ~ " - Inner

" Tsk... Hn... "

" Yay~ Brain, We Did It~~ " - Inner

" Shut up, Brat. "

__________________________________________________________________________________" Can't... hold.. on any longer... " - Memory

" Memory, Stay Strong.!! " - Brain

" Brain... please tell Inner that... even till now, she's still annoying.. " - Memory

" HEY.! If you weren't about to die, I would soooo kick your ass. " - Inner



" Hn.. and burn his body, buried it deep down and torture him again. " - Dark Inner.

" Dark~~ you shouldn't be here... " - Inner

" Hmph.. "

" Memory, we will avenge for you.! " - Brain

 " Brain, thank---- " 


" NOOOOOOO, SYNAPSES.! WE CALL ON A FULL WAR WITH ORGANIC CHEM.! " -Brain



Dum dum dum dum dudududududududu~

the end.?

Like-Love Relationships.

My mother... I'm seriously speechless with her..
In primary school when I told her I got a crush, she told me it's just a puppy love.
But it lasted for 3 years until I was rejected. >.>

In secondary, she kept hinting and telling me that only to date in College.
Secondary guys all still studying , you won't have fun etc...
all kinds of stuff.

Now in college, i told her i met a not bad looking guy..
she told me don't think much about it because when in degree got more guys...
haishh.. mum... =-=

so when I'm degree I'm guessing she'll ask me to wait until I'm working.. >.>

That's that... now next.

I think I kinda ... yeaaaa...
But I know it won't work out.
So I decide to end it.

TADAAAAAA.. sometimes I feel fine... sometimes I don't....
Not sure if it's really the feeling I think it is.
Or it's just some imaginary feelings.

That's all. Cause I really don't know if I'm... yea...

I think my mum suspects that I'm secretly dating.
Cause she became really interested in what I'm doing, where, who and so on... unlike last time.

Haish.. whatever la..

Onii-chan [s]

Soooo... I don't really get along with my brothers since young...
But I only remember the times where my 2nd bro will play imaginary games with me...
Or I'll watch both my brothers to play games. I like watching them play..

But somehow when I'm in primary school.
Everything just change.

I looked back to the old photo[s] from the photo albums...
We look so happy, so content with each other..
Their arms around me, protecting me.
Their hands holding mine, making sure I won't be lost.

But somehow everything change...
I was in bad relationship with my 2nd brother, and he became really scary and doesn't talk a lot and his temper is bad.
I was never really that close with my big brother, but he always look friendly but it's always like a stranger politeness.

Until now..
It's better than last time... much better actually..
I'm selfish.
I wanted a relationship with my brothers like any normal people do.
Can't change that now I guess..

But at least I know they care right.?
At least now 2nd bro will talk to me once in a while, big bro too.
Big bro buys stuff for me too,
there's pencil case in primary school, box of pen from singapore in secondary sch and he just bought me a bracelet and necklace...

Now that's my brothers...
Maybe if they chg one day, I'll probably not used to it.?
It's ok.

Both my brothers are kind and caring in their own way.

Big bro, last time he would occasionally tease me so that I won't feel left out. He buy me gifts.

2nd bro, helped me out when our parents were arguing so that I won't feel so afraid. He gave me a souvenir this year..

I love them both <3
I'm still glad that they're my brothers even though we're not normal and close.

Love you gor gor[s] <3

Reasons / Excuses

Actually there's more than one reason that I never drove after I passed my driving test. I just keep making myself believe that's what I've been thinking.

First of all, the advantages of being able to drive by yourself..

1, you can go anywhere you want.
2, you can fetch anyone you want without complaints.
3, it's very convenient.
4, you don't need permission.
5, don't hv to sit public transport.

But all those advantages... brings  negative effects...

My family already has communication problems... I don't want to lose mine.
I still want to try to communicate with them, even when they don't give responds.

1, If i can go anywhere I want... I'm afraid one day, when I broke down and can't stand it anymore.. I would just drive to somewhere else... and that would make everyone worry, well, almost everyone. I'm afraid that one day, I would just leave them because I couldn't stand it anymore. I don't wanna leave them, but i know when one starts to lose their control, they do stuff without thinking, I don't want that. Thus, I was afraid.

2, I might fetch someone I'm not suppose to. No more excuses to not fetch anyone anymore.

3, Conveniet yea... no argument to that. LOL.

4, I might forget to get permission from my parents, or forget to let them know where I am. This is the communication thingy. My brothers never told my parents where they went, and I could see them worry sometimes and wanting to know but they never gave a direct answers. I don't want to be like that. But I might forget. I don't want that. To notice them where I'm going, when I'll be back. I want to inform them without them asking me when they're worried. I don't want them to worry abt me when they clearly have lots of things in their mind.

5, I might forget how to be civilize. Like being a good person. Showing ppl the correct way to the station. Letting old people to sit when there's no other places for them to sit down. To smile at strangers like giving a greetings. This world is already too dark, I somehow want to light it up. Even if it's useless, but at least I think I'm doing the right thing.

The reason I always used was my mum... hahahaha...
She doesn't allow me to drive alone and she doesn't want to sit beside me when I'm driving.
So she says I should ask my dad to sit beside me...
AND she doesn't allow me to drive in the dark, at night. PLUS, weekdays my dad is only at home AT NIGHT. So that left Saturday and Sunday... Sunday kinda out cause most of the time we have family gatherings. So that left Saturday, where I might go out with friends ( can't drive alone yet without parents so nope ) , or out with mum ( she doesn't want to sit beside me ), or I wanna watch my anime and read my manga.. ( me being lazy )

But most of all,
Not being able to drive is like a restriction I put on myself... something like a leash, I don't want myself to run away. Heehee... yeaaaa....

Don't judge a book by its cover

At first I was pissed at my mum for applying girls need to do chores concept. I know we should always learn about it, still sometimes I'd feel unfair but I understand... It still doesn't mean I wouldn't feel a thing. But then you went and complimented me when I did them. And I was like... "yay, she complimented me" not angry anymore.. haizz... sometimes, my mum held lots of power over me.

People always think that I don't help around the house. And that my brothers are the helpful ones. Because when everyone's around, my parents treat me like a princess. They don't know I was the one that sweep the house. My mum doesn't really sweeps the floor unless she finds it dirty. The men in the hse don't give a shit. I helped to wash the dishes too, even when they're not mine. I always did help, what abt them.? no they didn't, but everyone looks at them with that eyes that sees them the perfect children that anyone could hv, and me.? an extra in the family. They only wash what is theirs that's it... at least better than not doing... i guess..

Then I iron my own school uniforms when my mum irons for both of my brothers until they graduated. And I iron my own school uniforms until I graduated. I hang my own clothes in my closet. When mum folds their clothes and brings them to their respective rooms. And when they needed clothes, they would search the piles on the sofa and leave, not bothering taking the rest of their own clothes with them.

I helped to take in and hang out the clothes when mum's not around, and even if everyone's at home, my mum only called me for help. I even went to help them wash their clothes when mum went to Korea AND I was having SPM.

It's really unfair that no one sees the work I've done but look at me like a little princess that doesn't do anything at home. And even when I told them, they don't even believe me. Well then, fug u too. They all think that my brothers are much more perfect than me until where sometimes I would even look down at myself.

I helped my mum every time after events in our home, what did everyone else do.? NOTHING. They just go back to their own room. But in the end... what did i get.. nothing. Why.? Because everyone judges a book by its cover.

And my mother... every time people said some offensive things or indicate that on my brothers.. she defends them.. but when it comes to me, she just let them say it...
I don't know whether to cry or not.