Sometimes

Sometimes,
I would just suddenly sunk deep into my thoughts...
Most of the times, remembering the past and present and picturing the future.
Another times would be talking to myself in my mind.
Sometimes would be an imagination of a complete different world.

I don't know why I think so much...
Ok, maybe it's a habit since young...

I was trying to ignore the arguments I heard,
The scolding, the blaming...
That I started to wander my thoughts alone.
Thinking that everything will be fine as long as I don't see or hear it.
But that was not the case...

No matter how u try to ignore the fact,
Or try to escape and run to your own world...
You'd still have to face that reality.
You'd still have to come back from your own world.
Because being in your own world doesn't and never last long.

There will be always people that makes you face the reality and you have no place to run to.
Not your families, not your friends.

I believe in love, but it's only because I think of it like I believe in Miracles.
They happens only once a while and it's a rare chance to occur.
I don't believe love last long, but I want to keep the belief too.
I don't believe love can change people for good, because they change back to themselves or they remain ignorant. Since love fades eventually.

Friends drift apart too.
Like in primary school. We promised to keep contact always.
But they leave you behind and go on with their lives.
No matter who u meet, and where u meet them.
There will always be something like that to happen.

That's why I was distant...
But then I opened my heart out.
And I think I regret doing that.?

Because even if friendships stays, it won't be the same anymore. Since people change.
They'd find someone new to replace you.
They'd find someone more important to spend time with.

You're a past now, and they found someone new to be attach to.
Yea. Opening  you heart isn't really a wise choice.
When you know what's gonna happen anyways.

It's even more dreadful when they know, but they won't know what to do.
Because everyone will think that they haven't change at all.
And it's even more painful when you have to smile despite everything else.
Because the only way for you to not lose yourself again, is to pretend everything is ok.

If I admit now that everything is a mess, everything is hurting me.
I'd be more broken than I am now.
Will I be able to stand from then onwards.?
or will I continue to sink in deeper.

How do you stand back up when you've given up all the hopes.
How do you live, when it's painful to breathe.
How do you sleep, if you're having better lives in your dreams than your life. even if it's a nightmare.
How do you apologize to the person who given u life, when you feel like ending them.

My smiles are breaking down. My tears are falling down.
It feels like it's too late to lock my heart once again.
It took years to build that lock but a moment to break it.
I want my heart locked again.
I want my smiles to be perfect again, so that they would leave me alone.
I want to be alone now.

where did my act went.
where did my lock disappear to.
where is my smile.

People who inspire me the most

There's two people in my life that inspired me since I'm young.
The first one is my nanny, the second would be my mum.

I remember once, I woke up in my nanny's room, it was still really early.
So I was droopy still, i walked out of the room and went downstairs.
I sat in the middle of the staircase. Saw my nanny, walking here and there.
Busy with all the housework.
It was then when it strike my mind, she's strong in her way.
She's hardworking, she's kind, she's lovely.
She's already old but she's still working her bones off.
I really admire her.
I love her cooking.
She's the first person who would actually come look for me when I'm down.
Even when she has a tough life, her eldest son is not a good person, her husband is a son of a ....., her mother in law bosses her around. Yet, she cared for them, give them home.
Her 2nd and youngest son and daughter helps her out. I'm close with them too. =)
I wonder if anyone told her that they're proud of her. Because I am. =D

My mum, same thing.
She stays strong.
Even though she might not be good in concerning still she cares.
She knows how to survive in society.
She taught me a lot of stuff.
Stuff I should and also stuff I shouldn't.
i think the closest person I am with and she is with would be us each other.
She would always be the driver around and she sometimes doesn't mind.
She appreciates her friends a lot, they would always go out now and then to catch up.
I hope mine is the same too.

A side story~
I got this very close primary school friend, she's a klutz.
She's girly, annoying, soft and easy bullied by other people.
But somehow we became best friends.
And I got short tempered.
I would always scold her when she messed up and she would just laugh it off.
I'm like a bodyguard to her.
I'd protect her when someone wants to bully her, pay back people who bullied her.
She's maybe the one that open the lock to my heart. But I never did open the door for her.
Still, I'm glad I get to be friends with her.
Even though she's very annoying.
hahahahaha...