Yuki

Yuki is my dog's name. My dad got her when I was around form 4 or form 5. That time, she was around 9 months old and already looks huge. She's black in colour and she's a timid dog.
She barks all the time and gets scared easily and always very playful.

Every time when it heavy rains or thunder happens, she would whine and look through the sliding door. I would go there, accompany her. I'd sit on the floor and I sang. I sang songs, random songs to her to let her know I'm there. Even though I couldn't do much, and I never did anything much to her. I sat and accompany her through the rain and thunder. Usually I'm always alone with her at home. So most of the time when it heavy rains along with thunder, my house will trip and I would sit with her. She needs my constant patting because she's a spoilt brat. When I stopped patting her, she would turn and look at me as if she's afraid I would leave.

She always got complaint by my 2nd brother and mother. Mum would sometimes tease her in a playful manner and other times she would scold her.

Every time Yuki saw mum near her, she would jump on her. I never understand it though, and mum will be flustered and shouting and screaming. But Yuki always stopped and rarely jumped on me, probably scared of me or something. She's more obedient towards me than my mum, though she's more obedient towards my dad than me.

There's one time, I decided to play with her. I went out, she saw me. I make a funny face towards her and asked if she wanna play. She went to grab a toy and place in front of both of us. I wanted to take it, but she quickly took it away and ran. Then I got it, I went chasing her around the place. Hahahaha. She's so playful, I kept teasing her and at last, I got tired and told her I'm going back in and then she lay down in front of the door.

I didn't really blame her for what she did to Kawaii, it wasn't her fault. However, I admit that at first I was angry at her but not anymore. I understand because it's not her fault.

I bought a comb for her. She doesn't have a comb and her fur is always dropping everywhere whenever I pat her. So I bought her a comb.

But then, she died after 1 week I bought that comb.

She was a timid dog, she's afraid of fireworks. And it's chinese new year week. 

She died.

I'm still not sure if it's a good thing for her. Being in this family, it's complicated.

Then I dreamt of her. I dreamt of her running back home, through the gate and towards me. And there's black men trying to chase and capture her. She doesn't want to leave, she kept running away from them and brushing past me. But I couldn't move, I was stuck there. 

I was overwhelmed. First it was " she came back " then it was " why are they chasing her " , " run away Yuki " , " why couldn't I move " , " why didn't I do anything "

And I woke up crying.

I should've known. 

That morning before I left for college...

I went to look at her at the usual place...

But she's not there....

I couldn't call out her name that time...

Usually I do.

But I didn't...

I think because deep down I knew it'll happen one day...

I've always knew.

maybe one day, we'll meet again somewhere.

until then, rest well.

Tears

Wow.
Hahahaha. Honestly..
This blog is like a depression place of mine.
Okay.
So my friends all said I always bottle everything up until I couldn't anymore and that's why I break down every single time.

BUT, I feel sad like super easily.
For the random little stuff.
Or for no reasons at all.
I have nooooo idea how to describe that feeling but it has been always there.
I feel sad. I act like nothing happen. Done.

Semester 2 degree year 1.
It's like hell.
6 subjects, 5 subjects include labs experiments.
Which also means that report time~
And each week we have to hand them in.
So it's super tasking.
Class starts as early as 8am and as late as 6pm. by the time I'd reached home. it's super late.

It was so busy every day every second. It's like I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't do anything except to repeat doing them endless. Tutorials, assignments, reports, tests and finally Exam.
Exam period was like the super relax time we ever had in semester 2.
That's why.. I didn't have the mood to study at all.
Even when I force myself to read them.
I couldn't set my mood back to exam mode. I don't know why.
Maybe I was afraid of getting the panic attack like in semester 1, or maybe I was so sick of everything. I don't know.

I know my college's friends are worried about me.
But I couldn't open up.
I don't know why.
I just couldn't open up to them.

Then there's one paper which I totally screw up cause I have no idea how to do that piece of shit.
I knew I was gonna fail so bad.
Each friend tried to pm me, but i still couldn't tell them.
Like... what makes you think I'll tell you what's going on.
It's so complicated I don't even know where to start.
You don't know me, you don't understand me.
That's why I kept quiet.
I couldn't tell them, not then, not now.

After exam.. we had 3 weeks of holiday.
I cried few times during exam period which takes 2 weeks.
and in that 3 weeks of holiday.
I had a break down. A serious case of break down you could say.

Everything was hitting back on my face.
I was tired of pretending everything's okay.
I was tired to put up with things.
I was tired of people asking me questions I couldn't answer.
I was tired of smiling.

I locked myself in the bathroom, put on loud songs.
bend down and let the shower water pour onto me.
I cried and cried and cried. Bawling my eyes out.
I was literally feeling all the negative things.
I couldn't even describe how it felt like.
There's anxious, sadness, frustration, depressed, regret, sorrow, low self esteem, pissed.

I dunno. It just hurts. So I just cry hoping the feeling will end.

There's also this case with my close friend from my secondary school.
She was like the active younger sister I ever had.
But then things kinda drift apart.
Misunderstanding here and there. Inappropriate timing.
And I was tired. I was really really tired. And I just wanted everything to end.
I don't want to feel anymore.

She used to be the closest ring of friends I've ever made.
I never told anything to anyone other than them.
It hurts so damn much.
Each rejection, each time. The pain gets deeper even when you knew the answer.
I was so sad and so angry. But I have to stand in her shoes too.
She's busy. She doesn't have time for us anymore.

I don't have the right to be sad. Her closest friend wasn't me, it was R.
R should be feeling worse right now. But she couldn't because she was more towards angry.
What if her anger subsides... where does she place her sorrows to.

Things change. People change.
For the better or for the worse. It changes.
The whole world changes. So I shouldn't be surprise.
I just wonder... If I ever change... and if I'll like the change in me..
Or maybe I've already change without my own knowledge.

I was afraid. Another closest friend of mine is gonna overseas to study.
I was afraid he change too.
When he gets busy, different time zone...
So faraway.
What if he became like her... and drift away.

My closest friend are like a family to me.
Brother or sisters... I don't care, but they're my family.
I have no one else. My real family is broken apart.
That's why I depend on them.
They're my emotional and physical support.

What if... they ended up like my real family too.
Everyone drifting away.
Everyone too busy for each other.

What if they left.
What if I'm all alone again.
what if the people that I bare my soul to drift apart.

I'm already so broken...
if they leave me all alone again.
How do I bring myself back up.

I smile everyday, I laugh everyday.
But each time when I let myself to think.
It's only sadness and emptiness I feel.

If that time really comes...
I just hope I'm numb enough for it.