Qing Ming

Last time... All the while, when we need to go for Qing Ming... We always go to Father's side only... Means my dad's mother and father... To pay our respect and clean their graves.

This year, my mum and dad each have their Qing Ming program on the same day. So it crashed together. I don't want to go to my Father's side for Qing Ming. It's not that I do not want to pay my respect to my grandfather and grandmother, it's just that.. I do not want to have that feeling again and again and again...

Usually, we will go Qing Ming together...  Mum, Dad, big bro, 2nd bro and me... with father's side family. Our cousins from father's side that attend are all grown ups. And as a child, they find my helping unnecessary. My brothers are boys, so they can help with the heavy stuff. I'm a girl and a child. So usually, I'm left with nothing to do at all. Not that doing nothing is good, but... the feeling of everyone around ignores you like you shouldn't even be here if u're that useless. Then, my aunt will give me LOTS of joysticks to put at other people's graveyard as a respect.

My brothers and I will go around and put those joysticks. Each separate ways. I don't like that. I don't like being alone in the cemetery walking around. I hate that feeling. Not that I could ask my brothers to be with me. Haaa... me.. and them.? like a real brother and sister.? It doesn't happen in the family. Not mine. We're exactly what you call... " Familiar Stranger " We don't speak, we don't share. Funny that even when they came back from work, I'll say " Hi, gor. " None replies. None... From them. A good reply will be " en... "

And at least even when my mum will be busy helping out at the cemetery, she'll still talk to me. Now.? She's not gonna be there. Only my brothers and dad. And I don't even talk to them much. Going there, will be like a torture to myself. I tried to find plans so that I'll able to skip that Qing Ming.

One of my friends asked : " Can skip 1 meh.? " The other replied : " Dunno her... "
Yeah. yeah. I dunno what to say about this. Because, they're not me, and I don't expect them to feel the same as I do but still... A little bit considerate will do.? Please.? I need that......

It's lonely... Really lonely.

You guys going with families. At least they chat with you. At least they'll talk with you. At least, they are there.... knowing that you're around.

I really don't expect anyone to understand... Because they might feel : " Aiya... something like this small case lah... or you're being too sensitive over something like this. etc. "

Try living it for years. Years.