Stress.? or no.?

So... apparently... I don't know how stress feels like...
I give examples like : " Wow.. I'm stress.. " ,  " Tomorrow got exam, damn stress. " , " Tomorrow's result's coming out, I'm freaking stress. " etc....
But I don't know how stress feels like.
I know the meaning... But I don't know how it feels like to be stressed...

So finally today... I went to search stuff related to Stress and Depression...
Cause I seem to have a lot of emotional breakdown from last year and this year...
I have no idea why I will cry out hard alone... in the toilet.
I always asked myself why. Why do I cry. Then I felt lonely.
Which is funny because I have a few close friends who knew about stuff.
But I can't seem to open up to them anymore.
Or should I say I dunno how I'm suppose to tell them.
I tried, actually... quite a few times. Which ended up making it as a joke.
Smile to them, laugh with them... and then get on with life.
It always help to lift up the current mood.
But then the longer everything piles up...
The easier I seem to breakdown and cry.

I've finally decide to search about these because...
I never really consider I'm stress since I do not look like my friends... who are stressing out about their exam. Cause I am able to see that they're stress... And I did not act out like them.
I mean.. secretly yeah.. same reaction. But I didn't really share. There's nothing to share about. They're feeling the same thing. Why should I add on the feelings.
My mum doesn't seem to think I'm stressed or depressed. She just thinks that I'm moody.
My dad doesn't really cares. I don't think my brothers even know how old I am...
So yeaaaa..

I went to my Nanny's house.
She reads a lot of newspaper and so I thought of asking her what does it mean to constantly have dreams.
She says there's 3 reasons so far she knew.
1. Someone with a great six sense.
2. Someone who get to dream about their past life.
3. Someone who's under stress.

Today she met me and she told me twice I am stressed. Lol.
She said I was suddenly skinny. Then about the dream, I told her. She repeated again and said I'm stressed.
I told my mum a lot of times about having lots of dreams since dunno when.. I guess it didn't occur to her that I'm stress lol...
Can't blame her. I'm good in acting. I could probably win a prize or something.

But some times. My acting has flaws when I'm facing certain someone. My smiles will go fake. Even I can feel that my smiles went fake. So far... there's only 3 people that have the effect on me. It was my secondary Chinese language teacher, my college Chemistry lecturer and my nanny.
I feel so fake. But I guess acting out is like a natural thing for me. Been doing since God knows when. And also tired to be seeing Adults walking around smiling and talking... when all they're doing are plotting about something. When they're faking all the way. It's so tired to see all of those.
I'm kind of disgusted by myself. hahahaha... at being fake. Since when Aquarius act so fake. Aquarians are true to themselves, true to other people, straight forward and weird. I guess I lost my touch when life's being a bitch. I some times am a true Aquarians though. But not many people like it. But then again... why should I care what people think abt. Some times I don't, Some times I just do.

Aha... ran out of topic...
ok, so... came back home.
Was feeling lonely. Was feeling depressed. I have no idea why I'm using past tense cause I'm writing this right now and I'm still feeling the same thing. So... I lie on the bed. Don't feel like moving at all.
And felt very alone. Tears just drop.
Feeling sick and tired of tears just drop out of no reason. I wanted it to end once and for all.
I cried my heart out in the toilet. Again. I just let myself cry and cry and until no more tears can flow out.

Didn't feel any better. So... what the heck...
So here I am now... searching for stuff related to Stress and Depression and also along with Why do i dream a lot.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_signs.htm
This is the stuff related to Stress if anyone of you wants to know... Or like me... dunno what it's like to be stressed...
Stress Warning Signs and Symptoms there... all checks out. so it seems I'm stress and I don't know it. " You get used to it. It starts to feel familiar, even normal. You don't notice how much it's affecting you, even as it takes a heavy toll." is what it says...
But then again... many people will say they hv the same thing too but didn't turn out to be like me..well. how the hell should I know. And apparently, I'm having high level of stress according to the quiz.. but what the heck is that quiz. If someone just wants to be stress they can just choose all 4 points. pfft... the quiz is too easy.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm
That is for Depression information..
I don't think I have depression though... I mean.. I feel that everyone would be better off if I'm gone... But suicide is not really my thing. I don't suicide. I despise suicide.
But I kind of hurt myself.? IT WAS LAST TIME THING. Don't worry...
Now the most I'd do is punch something and not cut.. Cause that really hurts and I'm afraid my mum will find out. HAHAHAHA.. I wonder last time if she noticed it. I think she did. But she kept quiet about it. Yeap. That's how things work in my family. HAHAHA.. Don't worry. Won't kill myself. I'll only hurt myself. HAHA. But the rest kind of checks out. Cause it's almost the same damn thing as being stress... =-= what. so what's the difference.? Suicide.? Many people suicide cause of stress to you know... SO basically there's no difference.?

http://psychcentral.com/lib/9-common-questions-about-dreams-answered/0007820
This is about Dreams.. I find this very useful. (Y) Cause... I tend to have a lot of dreams. Weird dreams, sad dreams, scary dreams, not logic dreams... etc...
Many websites says that it's because it's a way of releasing stress. -.- lolx. wtf.

That's all I guess... That's all I can remember to type out anyways. Nights.