Tears

Wow.
Hahahaha. Honestly..
This blog is like a depression place of mine.
Okay.
So my friends all said I always bottle everything up until I couldn't anymore and that's why I break down every single time.

BUT, I feel sad like super easily.
For the random little stuff.
Or for no reasons at all.
I have nooooo idea how to describe that feeling but it has been always there.
I feel sad. I act like nothing happen. Done.

Semester 2 degree year 1.
It's like hell.
6 subjects, 5 subjects include labs experiments.
Which also means that report time~
And each week we have to hand them in.
So it's super tasking.
Class starts as early as 8am and as late as 6pm. by the time I'd reached home. it's super late.

It was so busy every day every second. It's like I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't do anything except to repeat doing them endless. Tutorials, assignments, reports, tests and finally Exam.
Exam period was like the super relax time we ever had in semester 2.
That's why.. I didn't have the mood to study at all.
Even when I force myself to read them.
I couldn't set my mood back to exam mode. I don't know why.
Maybe I was afraid of getting the panic attack like in semester 1, or maybe I was so sick of everything. I don't know.

I know my college's friends are worried about me.
But I couldn't open up.
I don't know why.
I just couldn't open up to them.

Then there's one paper which I totally screw up cause I have no idea how to do that piece of shit.
I knew I was gonna fail so bad.
Each friend tried to pm me, but i still couldn't tell them.
Like... what makes you think I'll tell you what's going on.
It's so complicated I don't even know where to start.
You don't know me, you don't understand me.
That's why I kept quiet.
I couldn't tell them, not then, not now.

After exam.. we had 3 weeks of holiday.
I cried few times during exam period which takes 2 weeks.
and in that 3 weeks of holiday.
I had a break down. A serious case of break down you could say.

Everything was hitting back on my face.
I was tired of pretending everything's okay.
I was tired to put up with things.
I was tired of people asking me questions I couldn't answer.
I was tired of smiling.

I locked myself in the bathroom, put on loud songs.
bend down and let the shower water pour onto me.
I cried and cried and cried. Bawling my eyes out.
I was literally feeling all the negative things.
I couldn't even describe how it felt like.
There's anxious, sadness, frustration, depressed, regret, sorrow, low self esteem, pissed.

I dunno. It just hurts. So I just cry hoping the feeling will end.

There's also this case with my close friend from my secondary school.
She was like the active younger sister I ever had.
But then things kinda drift apart.
Misunderstanding here and there. Inappropriate timing.
And I was tired. I was really really tired. And I just wanted everything to end.
I don't want to feel anymore.

She used to be the closest ring of friends I've ever made.
I never told anything to anyone other than them.
It hurts so damn much.
Each rejection, each time. The pain gets deeper even when you knew the answer.
I was so sad and so angry. But I have to stand in her shoes too.
She's busy. She doesn't have time for us anymore.

I don't have the right to be sad. Her closest friend wasn't me, it was R.
R should be feeling worse right now. But she couldn't because she was more towards angry.
What if her anger subsides... where does she place her sorrows to.

Things change. People change.
For the better or for the worse. It changes.
The whole world changes. So I shouldn't be surprise.
I just wonder... If I ever change... and if I'll like the change in me..
Or maybe I've already change without my own knowledge.

I was afraid. Another closest friend of mine is gonna overseas to study.
I was afraid he change too.
When he gets busy, different time zone...
So faraway.
What if he became like her... and drift away.

My closest friend are like a family to me.
Brother or sisters... I don't care, but they're my family.
I have no one else. My real family is broken apart.
That's why I depend on them.
They're my emotional and physical support.

What if... they ended up like my real family too.
Everyone drifting away.
Everyone too busy for each other.

What if they left.
What if I'm all alone again.
what if the people that I bare my soul to drift apart.

I'm already so broken...
if they leave me all alone again.
How do I bring myself back up.

I smile everyday, I laugh everyday.
But each time when I let myself to think.
It's only sadness and emptiness I feel.

If that time really comes...
I just hope I'm numb enough for it.