Prom Night

Okay. =.= so everyone is talking about prom this prom that... Partner here and partner there...

I was happy when he invited me to go to the prom with him.
Couple price are much more cheaper.

And so, from that day, i was freaking insecure... Cause he might be trolling or pranking or someone hacked his acc or something...

Haizzz.. and there goes IY, being my optimistic guy... -.-
Not that I don't appreciate but I really do. Because without him, I will be broken sooner.

So~ He came to my class and talked with me about the prom stuff.. That time my friends were all chatting and once they heard him, they stopped. I was freaked out myself cause he sudden appear beside me and talk... =.='' like WOW. Not mentally prepare to chat.. haiz..

My friends all started teasing... =.='' so urghhh..
Face got all red... they said.. -.- nothing to comment there...

So thinking about what will happen  to the prom night would probably be super awkward.

And there goes Flame, saying that the reason he'd ask me to prom is because his 1st attempt failed. He'd ask this girl, but she rejected and so he turned to me.

Well... I have the urge to ask him. But it's none of my business... We have nothing anyways. I have no right at all.

Still.. hahahahaha.. It took me off guard and it kinda hurts.? I don't know.

I don't have the right to complain, I'm the one who _______ his _________ anyways. Now he's asking me to prom as a 2nd hand is actually a good punishment to me.

What comes around goes around I guess... 

So... I should take this as a punishment and not a torture. If I'd forget about it.. It'll probably be better.

a~~~ this hurts.

Car test

Okayyyy~ so, I've listened to all the talks and passed the undang objectives questions.

It's time for Bahagian 2 and 3.

Before taking that exam, I got the same feeling I got last week, mid term add maths exam. Before getting back my add maths result, I got a feeling,  a bad feeling knowing that I won't do good. And it turns out to be true. That's the 1st ever subject in my life I fail something. It meant a lot to me. And this time, I got the same feeling before taking tha car test.

I knew for some reason, that I'll fail. And I did. I cannot seemed to touch the line drawn on the ground. I felt super disappointed. Because through all the training, I've been good. I could say that I've been trained fully but yet I still fail because of nervousness.

I can never concentrate well when I'm being in super nervous mood. Means my mind will be blank. Everything blank. And my friend some more taking the exam with me. That makes me even more nervous.

When I'm nervous, I usually do stuff alone. But when there's someone else,  I'll definitely fail it.

I don't think anyone could imagine how disappointed I am towards myself. Since I didn't show it to anyone... so it's kinda my fault.

BEFORE THE CAR TEST :

There's a few time I got sick of feeling that nervousness. I wanted to hurt myself. XD Hahahaha no worries, I didn't do anything. But seriously, I was fed up with my nervousness. I even went online searching ways to calm myself down but it's all bullcrap. Everything I've done before. Didn't help.

Once, I really had it and cried in the room. Thank god dad n mum not at home. Wanted to call my closest friend but she didn't pick up. So I gave up calling and wrote a letter to her. While crying.

U have to understand, I HATED the feeling of being nervous and each and everything I do reminds me of the car test and I panicked each freaking time and nervous each freaking time.

After a few days, it really help. I don't feel that nervous anymore. But then as days went by and closer to the car test, I noticed the effect wore off. I was stupidly super nervous and thus failed Bahagian 2.

But luckily passed Bahagian 3 as my nervousness has numbed me...

AFTER THE CAR TEST (fail)

No one could see the disappointment I have towards myself. Cause when they asked,  I'd only give a sad face and comment randomly. They thought I'm okay.

My dad laughed at me when he knew I failed n that definitely didn't help at all. My mum say I did not follow the steps so that's why I fail. But anyways... They're not me, I'm not them.. I don't know why they think like that and they definitely don't know how nervous n fed up I was with myself.

Then another time... when my mum went out with her frenz at night. I'm in the room alone. Before I took a bath, I cried. And cried. And tried calling both of my closest friends. But 1 did not pick up as usual. The other is busy. So... why not take a bath 1st, maybe I won't feel that sad anymore.

And I did. I bath while crying the whole time. It's embarrassing to say but yeaaaa. I cried endless through the bath.

After that I stayed in the room trying to wait for my frenz to reply me. But nothing. I can't hold it anymore so I find someone I trust and tell him would he mind if I call n I was crying. He say he won't. So I called.

I thought I've calm down after all the crying but once I said both of my frenz are currently unavailable, I started to break down and cry once again.

At that time, I really thought that I'm so pathetic that I have so little friends to tell my secrets or share my emotions. But then again... It's not them... It's me. I don't trust them enough to do so...

Ok... so I called and cried and say random stuff that made me sad. He's just there listening n really supported me. Even though later I find that it's a stupid move I made... but I did not regret it. I'm glad I called him. Thanks so much.!

I got a better feeling on my retake car test... and so.. I finally passed it. Yay me... but it feels like a dream... doesn't seem real...

I was able to drive normally cause I converted some of the nervousness to anger... that helped a lot.. thanks again. His support really meant a lot to me. Thanks.

Eating Food Together

Okayyyyy. So... My food are usually packed by mum and dad and I'll eat it at home. My mum and dad doesn't cook.. so yea, have been eating outside food since I'm in primary school. Can't say since I'm born cause.. I'd either be drinking milk or eating my nanny's cooking <3

If I'm going out to eat.. It's usually with my mum or with the accompany of my mum. I never like going out to eat with my dad. 1st, he's annoying. 2nd, we have nothing to talk about. 3rd, it's awkward.

We only eat dinner together when there's somebody's birthday. And it's even MORE awkward. Because there's very less topic we could talk about. All the topic we've talked about are about their working and stuff like that. I could never joined in because I don't understand at all. At least there's mum, who I can actually chat something random things about.

Eating with my brothers give me stress. They eat super fast, and I'm slow. They'll have to wait for me if I don't hurry up. And to catch up, I'll have to eat super fast which will make me vomit. And there's nothing to chat about between us. NOTHING except for studies or results. OR SILENCE there. I don't think anyone could understand how SILENCE could be this loud.

Eating with my dad is even worse. I don't like eating with him. I don't know why. Just by looking at his face ticks me off. With his stupid annoying smile everytime he disturbed me and trying to be fun. THAT'S NOT FUN AT ALL. IT'S SUPER IRRITATING AND U DON'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP.

And today~ 2nd bro wanna treat dad to dinner eating western. Mum went out with friends as usual. Big bro trying to leave the house and join his friends as usual. Dad wanted me to join them. HELL NO. IT"S EVEN MORE SAD TO KNOW THAT EVEN IF WE WENT OUT TO EAT DINNER TOGETHER, WE GOT NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.! THERE'S NOT EVEN A SINGLE TOPIC OTHER THAN MY STUDIES. FUCK.

That's why I rather stay at home and enjoy myself. But they don't get it. They never do. Of course they won't. They're not me, they don't think like me.

If I could... I would just go to my friends' house anytime I want like in anime[s]. This is why anime makes my day.

Me

                         Sometimes I feel useless. I've told myself over and over again to start working hard on my studies. But every time it's  a Friday or weekend... I would just let my guard down and waste my time on tv, manga, and anime[s]. I hate this. I really really hate this. Because I can't be like my friends nor brothers. They're results are like. Much better than mine in anyway. Once, my 2nd bro was talking about results with me. I can't answer him. BECAUSE, I'm not as good as them, nor even half of them. I suck. I hate this part. I really wanna change that. I really really want to show them what I'd got. But I guess, when you're growing, other grows too, so if u want to out grown them, u have to grow faster than them. JL once ask Why Do I Care About My Results If My Mum Doesn't Care. That hurt. But I can't answer that time. I don't know why. But now I've found my answer. Because, I don't want to be that person, "because-no-one-care-then-suck-person". Most of everything came out from JL's mouth about me are sarcastic. It's her attitude. But she doesn't noticed it. She just thinks it's because she was being straight forward. I don't like how she shows her face when her results are lower than mine and hit me seriously. But when I got lower marks than hers, she don't allow me to even complain that my marks are lower than hers. Haiz.

                           Sometimes I feel I'm not needed. I mean. There's so many people around the world. Even if I'm gone, even if someone will be sad when I'm gone... I'll then just become a memory that was once lived in their lives. Slowly, no one would even care. My existence didn't mean a lot to myself. I would change my health for my mum if I'm healthier than her. I would. Cause she's living her life to the fullest and having fun with her friends. All I do was having fun at home. One of friend says I'm sociable. Hahahaha.. That was so unexpected. Even if I am , I don't feel it. Even if I'm not, it doesn't make any difference.


                          Sometimes I feel that I'm seriously not someone I thought I am. I always thought if I can learn to understand other people, able to feel what other people was feeling, I'll get to be a better person. But I was actually wrong. Understanding them that easily isn't really helpful at all. You get what they are going through. But, no one else knows. But they just used your theories and made them happy. I'm used. Nobody will know I'm the one that understand them the most. But even only understanding them don't help. But being there. I was and am and will. But just that, they won't noticed I was and am and will. Because I'm silently standing not interrupting them. Even though, it's fun to see them to get what they're able to get.



                           Sometimes I can't figure out what I'm feeling and why. My mood swings by easily. It depends on what tone are you using on me, what songs I'd heard, or what I'd saw. Feelings and moods changes so many times and so frequently until I'm unable to catch what's the real me feeling inside. They say living life as a student is to have fun. But how can you get good grades and yet have extreme fun each day. I appreciate each day I'd lived but, I don't think I've live it to the fullest. One of my classmate once asked me Why don't you have fun a bit.? Aren't you bored living like this.? Everyday do homework isn't it bored for you.? And another one said to me Your life doesn't look fun at all.


                             Sometimes I feel very lonely. Where it's only me and me myself.

                            Some times I just become moody and blank. No idea why this happens all of the sudden.

                           But everything's gonna be ok. Because. stuff like this gets buried easily deep down sooner or later.

Set people up

I don't know since when, I've got the habit of setting people up or acting about something. I seriously don't know when or why I'd do that. I've noticed this habit last year, I'm trying to change but I can't seem to get rid of this habit.

I personally can easily see through someone's stuff / feelings / thoughts when I feel like it. But sometimes I didn't mean to do it. I didn't want to know that much. Because knowing all of that hurts myself. Because knowing they're actually lying straight at ur face. Because knowing they're not even trying to tell u the truth.

It really hurts. No one might know how much I've been hurt because no one walks my path so I don't blame them. I blame myself. Sometimes I just want to shut down my feelings and just not feel at all. All of the feelings mixed together confusing me. I don't like that kind of feeling.
Sometimes I'd ask questions I knew the answer to see whether u lied to me or not. This is normal. But... what about setting people up.? Setting them up, knowing which move they will take , knowing what they're gonna say... I feel bad. It's like it's all according to my calculation.

But it isn't that bad. Because of this, I can easily understand. I can know what will happen and feel anticipated.

I've seen it all. But most of all. I can be sure that my parents taught me this.
To know what question can be ask.
To know what things should be done.
To know when actions can be done.
Most importantly,  to know how to hide ur feelings well and act out normal.

2013 Kem Bersepadu

It was my 1st ever camp I'd join. Cause I never like the activities given. I don't like the stuff we need to put up with. I don't like that we have to do what they say accordingly when the teachers don't. They say to improve our style on living. Wad abt them.? Don't they need to learn too.? This is why most of the teachers get cocky.

Never mind that. Haizzzzz. Another reason is, I'm afraid to have a team that doesn't work together. I've heard many stories, see through many kinds of stuff like that happen. I'm afraid that I'll lose control of my temper and people will look at me differently.  Because as they say, the good stuff we did can never be remembered but the bad stuff we did will always be in their mind.

But luckily,  I got a really reliable team mates and leader. I would never change my teammates. I'd really enjoyed every moment of it because of them. They made us laugh, we had lots of fun despite the activities given. They really lifft up my mood. I really really do love them. They are the best. My leader made sure everyone is involved without forcing. Unlike other groups counting on someone to do all the stuff. We really did had fun. I love it.

Before the night walk, I was really scared that I might see something because everyone was being so tensed and nervous. Walking up the hill, was still being scared until my teammates lift uo the mood. My leader and his frenz were so funny and sweet. Slowly I don't feel that scared anymore but troublesome cause it was very slippery and the girl behind kept falling and pulling me. Haiz.

Going down the hill was worse. I kept cursing in my heart each and every moment. I became super irritated, annoyed and pissed off. Cause going down was REALLY slippery and she kept pulling me down. And plus, it's already midnight 1am something and I'm tired and I'm already not that sporty like I used to be.

Thank goodness I survived the night walk. Haizzzzz.

Exams

Exam month = May.
3 weeks of having exams and the last day of sch is teacher's day.
Then that Friday and Saturday have to go for kem bersepadu.
I really don't feel like going. I don't know why. No idea.

Okayyyy. So exam.
These few days because of exam.
I became super tired even though nothing changes much. I also don't know why I feel so tired.

Because of me being super tired. In school,  I have no energy to entertain my friends at all. Most of my subject paper. I did halfway and was fishing.

I really want to thanks You Liang, Zheng Foong and Mango making the atmosphere around funnier. They made me relax somehow. They are very funny. I like them. But sometimes they may be over the top. Distracting u from ur thoghts but without them, I'll probably get nervous breakdown.

I don't think my friends knew I'm nervous. I think they think that I'm being moody and all. Well, whatever. Lucky they didn't constantly disturb me like wad JL did today. I'll probably boom them. And thank god I didn't boom JL. Almost did, but thanks to all the training from Nurul ( since standard 1 I knew her and she always kacau me all the time )

I admit I'm short tempered. But I don't boom someone I feel they need my protection... meaning someone who is soft and easily cry. So I only boom JL , JY and Flame.

I feel sad whenever my mum....
Yeaaaa. I'll keep this to myself.

Well... overall. As long as I reach home. I feel sad for no reason. Hahahaha. But as long as I know my friends will be there, it'll be alright.