Finished exam.

I didn't feel happy nor excited at all.

All I felt was emptiness.

I don't know why.

I hate this side of me.

I want the happy me back.

This reminds me when I was younger...
When I cared for no one but my only best friend in my primary sch.
I hated everyone else who are closer to me.
I only liked my best friend.

But as I've wrote. Our relationship parted in a really stupid way.

I'm going back to who I used to be.
Not caring what will happen...
I don't want that.

Family..... or not.

What is Family...

There are many types of families.

But for mine, it's Blood-related family.


Right, we're only blood-related.
Each of us are closer to our friends and another side of the family than OUR family.

We don't talk to each other.
We don't greet each other.
We don't share stuff together.

Everytime I reached home, it'll be my dad. And so : " Hi, dad. " was all.
When my big brother came back. " Hi, big bro.! " silent replied me.
When my 2nd bro came back. " Hi, 2nd bro.! " totally got ignored.

But if the situation involve my mum.
Big bro's reply " En..."
2nd bro's reply " Hi, mi ( short for mummy.)

Slowly and slowly...
I started to get tired of greeting them.
So there will be always a wall , a freaking thick wall between us.

But I know they care for me.
I really do.
But I wanna be... like in stories...
To have a close relationship with your siblings that you can share with.

Everyone around me has their siblings.
They are close and they play with each other.
I envy.

once.. I saw my friend, also having 2 elder brothers.
they came and fetch her in a car with her mum.
one of the bro came down and let her go in.
their mum was driving, 3 of them sitting behind.
Her brothers snuggle her and hugs her.

She said she don't like it.
She said it's annoying.

But... I wanted it so badly for these past few years.

Well... Can't say I blame her. She has her own thoughts.
But so do I.

I really really want that....

Reasons I love Anime

I love Anime[s]

I LOVE ANIME[s].!!!

I LOVE MANGA[s] and COMIC[s].!!!

Do you know why.?
Because they always got their happy endings...
Even if they are misfortune, unfortunate or negative stuff happens.
There will be always someone important to them that appear.

No matter how sad the story line goes...
There will always be a happy ending.

Not like in reality...
When you need so much strength and courage to move on and go on.
When you need to be so protective of your heart so it doesn't get hurt easily.
When you think everything will be fine soon, things start to fall apart.

Maybe because of this...
I'm an otaku ^^v

And maybe because I prefer dreaming...
I dream a lot...
Every night. Different things.

Cool stuff, Happy stuff, sad stuff and so on...
I would rather live in dreams...
That's why my link for my blog is JourneyInDreams.

Naive

So....

I finally finished my year-end exams...
So, I'm supposed to be happy and excited, but I seem to unable to do so.

 Usually...
My mum will send me off to tuition.
and also she will be the one to fetch me from tuition.
But sometimes my dad will fetch me when she went out with her friends.

She never missed sending me to tuition until that day.
It's suppose to be my dad sending me to tuition, but his car broke down because he went to fetch my big bro,
and there's no one home to send me out.
So I missed my tuition.

Today, she will be going out with her friends too.
So my dad will be sending me.
I hope the same thing doesn't happen.
Because... I hate the feeling of being put in 2nd place.

I know it's not right for me to feel this way.
I know I'm being naive and childish.
I know everything that adults thought we didn't know.
But I actually know...

So what if I'm being naive. So what if I'm being childish.
I've never show that to my family once.
I fought with my 2nd brother in the past, and now we're just strangers.
We do not talk, we do not greed. We do not do stuff together.

My big brother is nice. But it's really easy to understand his feelings.
He's annoyed when I used his computer and other stuff.

But because they are older than me, I understand they are taught to be more " toleransi " and "bertolak ansur"...
So slowly... I tried to distance myself to be the same level they are.
I felt that it isn't fair for them to do so much for me.
But it's no use right.? because they didn't know.

I never fight with my younger cousins.
Even when they pissed me off, annoyed me off, stealing my stuff away from me..
But I can only smile. Because I guess, both my brothers probably feels the same as me when I'm younger. So this, I'm doing my best to repay them.

Secrets.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxRMFwPpkBE&feature=fvwrel
I need another storySomething to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that i can confess

Till all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no, I've been on the brink, so


Tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
I'm sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time
Don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm Gonna give all my secrets away

My God, amazing how we got this far
It's like were chasing all those stars
Who's driving shiny big black cars

And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve
And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Singing straight to cold
I don't really like my flow, no, so
For those who has their secrets that they are still unable to tell it out. <3

Memories Of Friendship

Friends are people who will be by your side through happy and sad. They support us till the end and will never stop believing in us.

I got a male best friend in primary school. We're close. 

Him and I are not in terms of couple nor love. We're best friends who care for each other and not afraid of getting into troubles to be there for each other.

Once, I forgot to do my homework and was punished to be outside of class and finish the homework. It's the first time I've been punished because I always hand in my homework and I finished them early. So I was nervous and I did not know how to do the homework. As I was about to cry, He threw his homework and hurriedly close back the classroom door. Before that, it hit my head and I stared at him. He smirk and laugh it away and said :" Hurry copy the homework, klutz."

I was overwhelmed... Because not once my friends did that to me. My so called Best Friends did not help me at all. You guys might think that :" Oh~ That's maybe because making you copy answer is not good. That's why they didn't help me out. " Well, bullshit. I don't believe in that crap.

Another time, before I confess to that person. I wanted to ask for his number, but I was too scared and shy. He found out that I wanted his phone number and he went to ask for it for me. He even got his house phone number... He's very amusing. Very nice of him. It's very hard to find an opposite gender of a best friend that is this supporting and friendly. 

Then, after our UPSR exams... Our class is like having party all the time, all of us are playing games and having fun. My male best friend came in with a can coffee in his hand and came to chat with me. His friends thought we're a couple and they ask to let me have a sip of his coffee. We said we're not a couple, cause we're not, our relationship is furthermore than a couple. 

That's the memories I had with him. My male Best Friend.

Living In Past

Days went by n hours passed,

I thought of wad u did to me in the past.

The pain u cause and the tears i cried,

will hunt me down from time to time.

But,

I will stand strong,

and held my head up high.

I will keep my sword stand by,

to protect myself from harm.

I will not be,

the same girl u thought i used to be.! ♥

What hurts the most, was being so close

And having so much to say

And watchin you walk away

Never knowing, what could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do.

But I'll learn how to let go...

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.

I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.

Make a wish, take a chance,

Make a change, and break away.

3rd paragraph << What Hurts The Most >> by Cascada

5th paragraph << Break Away >> by Kelly Clarkson

Other paragraph, stuff I came out with.

Memories Of First Love

Wanted to find a place to view everything while listening to songs.

Wanted to understand the thought of people more.

Wanted to know the reasons behind all the sadness.

I want to know, who's faking in front of me, who's lying right in my face and who... that soon will betray.

I guess many people will face friendship and family betrays all the time. Still maybe I'm not as strong as those people.

Maybe I'm not as strong as you see me as. 

Back in standard 6, it's the last year of studying in primary school. My school from my house is very far away... So, in a way, I know that I won't be seeing my friends anymore. Maybe in a further future, but we'll never know what might happen then.

I've got someone I liked a lot for 3 years now. I remember how silly I was singing love songs pretending to be singing it to him. Yeah... How stupid am I... My best friend, for 6 years... We're always called a twin, because we got the same hairstyle, wear glasses, same height, same personality, same interest and also... ... ... same people that we liked.

At first, we felt it's very awesome that we liked the same person, so that we got another topic to share with. But as days went by, we're slowly being apart. One day, I was half hearted jokingly chatting with her trying to pull back our relationship, I asked : " Hey, so who do you think he'll like us better.? You or me.?   " I continued without hesitation, :" I bet it's you isn't it.? You're so charming, not like me, a tomboy." She gave me a smile and said, :" Well, why don't I go and ask him.?" I stopped, but I nodded. 

After a few days, I was curious about the answer. So I went to ask her about that person's reply. She innocently smiled and say :" Well, he said that he like us both.!" and she paused and became emotionless. She continued, :" But he said he likes me more." Looking far away, she said this to me. I believed her, because I never thought that he will like me anyway. But it still hurts. 

People would say it's just a puppy love, but then why... Is it that I'm still feeling sad... Before graduated, many people confessed to me. But I rejected them, because the one I like, wasn't them at all. I still wasn't brave enough to face him, so I confess through MSN. He's online, but when I sent the messange, he went offline. Few weeks passed, he did not reply. Once he's online again, I went to ask why did he not reply my message, he type:" Because I don't like you. That's why I did not reply you." That hurts so much. 

I cried... and cried... alone at night. None of my friends knew too. But before that, I've asked did my best friend ask you anything about you choosing us... He replied a confuse face said no. My best friend lied to me. 

I know I'm still young. I know it. I'm afraid to fall in love. I'm afraid that I will be hurt again, I also know that falling in love surely will be times where we get hurt. I know all that. I'm afraid of falling in love, but at the same time, I want to try to fall in love. 

I guess, Everyone would still say, You're too young. You should focus on your studies. Well... Okay then...

这就是  爱的代价。

Songs

Did you find songs that is able to touch deep down in your heart.?

Songs that make you express what has been buried for a long time... 

I've lost something that was once by my side... It's not long ago, just 1 month plus back. Even though the time we spent is not that long. But it's the first time I've experience on something. So it's kinda hard for me when that something is no longer by my side...

I did cry when I lost that something, but it was only for awhile. I forced myself to smile whenever someone was trying to know how I feel or someone was trying to look at my expression... I don't know why I fake a smile, but that was something that came first in my mind. 

After that day, I don't really think anyone noticed any changes I got... I, myself was impressed by myself cause no one noticed at all... But at the same time, no one did noticed, and that's sad... Can't blame that, I don't want anyone to know anyway.

Every time, I would just assume that something is there and look at that something, but I noticed that something won't be there anymore... And my heart will just feel lonely and nothing more.

That's why I love musics, songs... That makes my feelings flow normally... I don't have to hide, don't have to pretend...