Crush.? Relationship.? Like.? Puppy love.?

Okay.. seriously.. my first crush is a very bad experience for me that I'm unable to stress it well enough.

I liked him for like 4 years... which my best friend also likes whom later lied to me.. blah blah blah. and last day of school. I confessed. He went offline straight away and no reply. Few days later, I asked him why no reply. He said, Because I don't like you. HAHAHAHAHHA..
I remembered that time every love song I sang I thought of him. tch. what a girl. xDD chehhh

I know I'm serious and not a puppy love when I can imagine us being together. As in being a couple, going for a date etc... For now, I've total confessed to 2 people.. hahahaha.. the first was of course my 1st crush. 2nd was actaully a simple puppy love. He rejected me but I felt nothing. Hahahaha.. I kinda pity him, cause he got so awkward around me while I'm like easy going... QwQ I'm sorry that I made you awkward. Seriously, I didn't expect you to take it that hard when I'm the one who got rejected. xD such a weird guy.

So now. Urghhh.. stupid pudding. I curse u all here.

Because now... it's like remembering back how the 1st crush rejected me. It's suffocating, It's drowning me... It's like as if I can't remember what it feels like to actually like someone. Because someone like how do you learn to love someone where there's nothing there for an example.

I only know now that I want to stop the feelings before it's too late. I'm not even sure if it's already too late. But I'm trying. But each freaking time, I would fail. I mean. I will take the initiative. Which I hate that about myself. It's like digging up a hole and putting it back and kept repeating the process itself... Until it became so soft that even when you cover the hole back, u will fall right back in into the hole.. You'll fall down so hard that you can't even climb back up.


But I dunno how to tell these feelings out. Because I'm not even sure with everything myself. urgh. fug this shit.

Money~ $$

xD Okay. First of all, this post has nothing related to today's event...

I actually wrote this on the in the note of my phone so that I won't forget what I wanna express. heehee.. so don't be so sensitive ya.. too much drama going on edi. x)

OKAY~ So... Expenses...

I think my parents kinda want me to buy something for myself. I dunno if they feel bad or what.. I dunno.. but the feeling they gave me was that.

Most of my clothes are secondhand, a hand down clothes. I don't mind though. xD Cause I mean. It's free and it's nice... Necklaces, rings pants, shirts, skirts, shoes... Most also hand-me-down stuff. Which I find it kinda awesome cause... I dunno. I just feel awesome about it.. hahahahaha...

Whenever my birthday I never really ask for stuff nor money. Just have dinner with family.

Then, i got kinda good results in spm. So dad wanted to give me a reward. But automatically I said no need. I said take it as a payback for Fuyu-kun. x) heehee.. omg. I sound so business like. pffft.

Then, since college start in January. I've been using my own money to buy books and food and touch-n-go card and all.. Until dunno semester 2 start, my mum only give me allowance.. I was like.. O.O Why suddenly give me money.? Then she replied awkwardly and say allowance. I didn't ask further cause knew her for so long when she give u that face and tone. U shouldn't ask any more.

And like today... She asked me why didn't buy the clothes... OwO It cost like RM 39. and my friends didn't buy too.. what for i buy. hahahaha.. My way of thinking is kinda weird so yeaaaa... I mean... I already got a lot of clothes.. if it doesn't mean anything, why should i buy it.?

I'm actually trying to save up my money... but also not turn into those type of people who are stingy. I tried. If I fail, I'm so sorry~~~

Cause I know sooner or later this family wouldn't be together. So yeap. Save money, buy house for mum and I. Muahahahahaha... Survival mode on..

But even if I'm saving money. I wanna learn to be like my mum. Not rich, not above average. But still can spend wisely and treat friends.

Tales of a Football fan

I have no idea why this picture will make me so emotional. Every time I see this picture, I feel all sad and touched.


 "   他是巴西的超级球迷 Clovis Acosta Fernandes，
从90年开始就追随着巴西去到66个国家，
看了149场赛事，所以巴西人都叫他“第12名球员”！
结果在自家主场看着巴西被狠狠地痛宰，
Clovis Acosta Fernandes 抱着模型世界杯哭了！

然而，故事没有因此结束，
他擦干眼泪之后，
走向现场的德国球迷面前，
把模型奖杯交给了小球迷，然后祝福：
“你们值得拥有这座奖杯”
足球绝对不只为了健康或者比赛而开踢的，
它既然能牵动全球人的心，
就应该将人与人之间的内心紧紧地连接，
达成地上和平！
< 一丝丝体会> "

it's actually from the FB post... credits to whoever took the picture and write the story of what happen. He did really well. I'd give him a hug. A huge hug and say everything's gonna be fine and They'll win the next round with a huge comeback, just you wait. etc...

Been Long Enough.

So, It's been like really long since I've posted anything in this blog...

Not that there's no more sadness around but, I kinda got lazy and all...
And I don't wanna feel the sadness piling up all over again just to write the blog for the dark side the story of my life.

But I guess I couldn't take it anymore.. Because here I am once again... Writing emo stuff here and whine and weep and complain about stuff.. seriously... This blog only exist for me to spam my interest that no one cares and most of all.. the stuff I couldn't say out loud. That explains my twitter name a lot actually... " Soulless Voice "

So, I got a one week holiday off... which was actually my study week.. lol.. But I went to Penang with pudding. 3 days 2 night. It was fun. But I don't write fun stuff here so.. let's skip to the emo part.

Surprisingly, one of the Fantastic 4 sent me a msg, saying " have fun on your trip " which was kind of sweet. He was like a brotherly figure to me. I call him gor sometimes in college. Before that, something happen and all and he replied " that's because I know you're a good sister. " You know, I was really touched. I really am. And I'm happy about it.

That and then.. I start to relate to stuff I shouldn't have relate... But pffft.. Brains. Can't control them really.

Because every time i will think that... why if i can get along well with boys and all. But I couldn't get along with my brothers, I've always wonder that. Why am I not getting along with them.

Being in the same house. Living together for so long. But I can know my friends well better than I know of my brothers.

I mean... Did you ever see any siblings that doesn't talk to each other.? Even for those who argue often. They at least know what's going on with their life. At least they talked to each other about random stuff. At least they hang out together.

Hahahaha... I can cry very easily... But I don't usually cry on the spot of what's happening in my life... But instead... I like to abuse myself mentally. ( fyi means watching sad movies or listens to sad songs ) Why.? Cause I need to find a reason for me to cry. I can't cry out when I'm facing hardship... but I'll only allow myself to cry... when the story isn't abt me but someone else. Unless I'm taking a trip down the memory lane~ It's more like a I'll cry for u... but it's actually an excuse... I'm finding a reason to let myself cry. Yeap.

Then again.. watching Brother Conflict is even worse. It's about the only sister in the family was adopted and all the boys fell in love with her. They all treat her very well. I mean when she's having exams, flowers given, breakfast bought, words of encouragement given and all. hahahaha.. and this lead to wanting my brothers to sing the ending for me... the chorus part " My Shisuaa mechakucha ni aishiteru ( My sister, I reckless love you ) "

Even though I really am grateful that my brothers give me monthly expenses but still, I'm a greedy person...I want more. I want their open care. I want their open love. I want them to treat me like a normal brother would to a sister. Why if they can treat little girls or boys... or babies well... why just can't they see me like that.?

Once upon a time

Once upon a time...

There's a little girl who likes to watch her brother plays play station games, computer games. But they never really talk. They played once in a while, very few times. She remembered how comfortable she felt beside her brothers, watching them play. Until who knows when, they started to drift further apart.

But lucky for the little girl, behind her house, a neighbour who has 4 kids, all boys. Will come and find the little to play. She really had fun playing with them. They would always seek her out to play with them despite she's just a girl. By the time now, the brothers and her stopped talking with each other completely. Stories never shared, feelings never shared, nothing is between the siblings. The only thing they had was blood that ties them together. That's the only prove that they were ever siblings.

Every time the girl reached home. No one would ever say welcome back home. Since her mother was always by her side, dad was working, brothers never really bothered to say anything. But the girl tried. Whenever they came home, she would called out " Welcome home, gor. " The first few years were difficult because they never replied. But at least it got better, now they manage to say " En. " At least that's a reply right.? I mean... They finally replied.

So... years went by and K got a girlfriend. Which is not something really surprising... everyone will get a gf or a bf sooner or later. At first she was excited. Meeting her with K. But then later that.. she got all emo and stuff.. Because apparently, she like to think stuff. A lot of stuff. Random emo stuff. Because... if he can treat his gf as good as he is being to her right now.  Why can't K treat her as what a normal brother would to a sister...? If he's not having issues with girls... does that mean he has issues with her.?

Once, the girl is sick and got a huge migraine but she have to accompany both her brothers and mum to see the condo. To see my K wants to buy it or not or investment or anything, I don't know. M was there to help out K since mum don't know much. So after finish reviewing and looking around, her head was throbbing, she felt like her brain is gonna crush out. She wanted to lean against something. She saw M, she went to lean against his back. But the reaction she got was actually a "tch" and a frontal step. Obviously M doesn't want her to lean against him. Hahahaha... I wonder why did she even tried to do something like that. It won't change anything. What.? She hoped that somehow her big brother would at least let her lean against his back.? or worse, she hoped that he would actually care and asked what's wrong. Well either way. Her hope crushed. She doesn't know what to feel anymore. part of her knew something like that was going to happen but part of her hoped more that it won't be the way she thought it would.


Next, the girl's father is having a health problem so he needs to go to hospital for check up. So mum have to send dad to hospital. Which means the girl have to sit lrt to college. Sure, from a station to a station the big brother accompanied her, but they did not talked at all. Not a single word, not a single eye contact. She didn't wear her earphone and blast music into her ears because until the end, she hoped that big brother will have something to say to her. Anything. Anything at all will suffice. But nothing always go according to plan. I don't think it's a plan anymore.. More like a fantasy. At the station, the girl have to transit to another destination, but the big brother has already reached his destination. They went their own way. But before really going to her suppose route, she turned her head back and searched for her big brother, big brother actually waved to her. Like a little kid, the girl instantly lighten up and frantically waved back to her big brother. and continued her way.

Either way... The girl is still living in her fantasies... hoping one day everything would be okay. But reality is it won't. Everyone's already big enough to live their own lives. Everyone will separate soon. But somewhere deep down. She's still hoping one day, her brothers will pat her head, hug her and wish her a happy birthday without mum reminding them.