Crush.? Relationship.? Like.? Puppy love.?

Okay.. seriously.. my first crush is a very bad experience for me that I'm unable to stress it well enough.

I liked him for like 4 years... which my best friend also likes whom later lied to me.. blah blah blah. and last day of school. I confessed. He went offline straight away and no reply. Few days later, I asked him why no reply. He said, Because I don't like you. HAHAHAHAHHA..
I remembered that time every love song I sang I thought of him. tch. what a girl. xDD chehhh

I know I'm serious and not a puppy love when I can imagine us being together. As in being a couple, going for a date etc... For now, I've total confessed to 2 people.. hahahaha.. the first was of course my 1st crush. 2nd was actaully a simple puppy love. He rejected me but I felt nothing. Hahahaha.. I kinda pity him, cause he got so awkward around me while I'm like easy going... QwQ I'm sorry that I made you awkward. Seriously, I didn't expect you to take it that hard when I'm the one who got rejected. xD such a weird guy.

So now. Urghhh.. stupid pudding. I curse u all here.

Because now... it's like remembering back how the 1st crush rejected me. It's suffocating, It's drowning me... It's like as if I can't remember what it feels like to actually like someone. Because someone like how do you learn to love someone where there's nothing there for an example.

I only know now that I want to stop the feelings before it's too late. I'm not even sure if it's already too late. But I'm trying. But each freaking time, I would fail. I mean. I will take the initiative. Which I hate that about myself. It's like digging up a hole and putting it back and kept repeating the process itself... Until it became so soft that even when you cover the hole back, u will fall right back in into the hole.. You'll fall down so hard that you can't even climb back up.


But I dunno how to tell these feelings out. Because I'm not even sure with everything myself. urgh. fug this shit.