Me

                         Sometimes I feel useless. I've told myself over and over again to start working hard on my studies. But every time it's  a Friday or weekend... I would just let my guard down and waste my time on tv, manga, and anime[s]. I hate this. I really really hate this. Because I can't be like my friends nor brothers. They're results are like. Much better than mine in anyway. Once, my 2nd bro was talking about results with me. I can't answer him. BECAUSE, I'm not as good as them, nor even half of them. I suck. I hate this part. I really wanna change that. I really really want to show them what I'd got. But I guess, when you're growing, other grows too, so if u want to out grown them, u have to grow faster than them. JL once ask Why Do I Care About My Results If My Mum Doesn't Care. That hurt. But I can't answer that time. I don't know why. But now I've found my answer. Because, I don't want to be that person, "because-no-one-care-then-suck-person". Most of everything came out from JL's mouth about me are sarcastic. It's her attitude. But she doesn't noticed it. She just thinks it's because she was being straight forward. I don't like how she shows her face when her results are lower than mine and hit me seriously. But when I got lower marks than hers, she don't allow me to even complain that my marks are lower than hers. Haiz.

                           Sometimes I feel I'm not needed. I mean. There's so many people around the world. Even if I'm gone, even if someone will be sad when I'm gone... I'll then just become a memory that was once lived in their lives. Slowly, no one would even care. My existence didn't mean a lot to myself. I would change my health for my mum if I'm healthier than her. I would. Cause she's living her life to the fullest and having fun with her friends. All I do was having fun at home. One of friend says I'm sociable. Hahahaha.. That was so unexpected. Even if I am , I don't feel it. Even if I'm not, it doesn't make any difference.


                          Sometimes I feel that I'm seriously not someone I thought I am. I always thought if I can learn to understand other people, able to feel what other people was feeling, I'll get to be a better person. But I was actually wrong. Understanding them that easily isn't really helpful at all. You get what they are going through. But, no one else knows. But they just used your theories and made them happy. I'm used. Nobody will know I'm the one that understand them the most. But even only understanding them don't help. But being there. I was and am and will. But just that, they won't noticed I was and am and will. Because I'm silently standing not interrupting them. Even though, it's fun to see them to get what they're able to get.



                           Sometimes I can't figure out what I'm feeling and why. My mood swings by easily. It depends on what tone are you using on me, what songs I'd heard, or what I'd saw. Feelings and moods changes so many times and so frequently until I'm unable to catch what's the real me feeling inside. They say living life as a student is to have fun. But how can you get good grades and yet have extreme fun each day. I appreciate each day I'd lived but, I don't think I've live it to the fullest. One of my classmate once asked me Why don't you have fun a bit.? Aren't you bored living like this.? Everyday do homework isn't it bored for you.? And another one said to me Your life doesn't look fun at all.


                             Sometimes I feel very lonely. Where it's only me and me myself.

                            Some times I just become moody and blank. No idea why this happens all of the sudden.

                           But everything's gonna be ok. Because. stuff like this gets buried easily deep down sooner or later.

Set people up

I don't know since when, I've got the habit of setting people up or acting about something. I seriously don't know when or why I'd do that. I've noticed this habit last year, I'm trying to change but I can't seem to get rid of this habit.

I personally can easily see through someone's stuff / feelings / thoughts when I feel like it. But sometimes I didn't mean to do it. I didn't want to know that much. Because knowing all of that hurts myself. Because knowing they're actually lying straight at ur face. Because knowing they're not even trying to tell u the truth.

It really hurts. No one might know how much I've been hurt because no one walks my path so I don't blame them. I blame myself. Sometimes I just want to shut down my feelings and just not feel at all. All of the feelings mixed together confusing me. I don't like that kind of feeling.
Sometimes I'd ask questions I knew the answer to see whether u lied to me or not. This is normal. But... what about setting people up.? Setting them up, knowing which move they will take , knowing what they're gonna say... I feel bad. It's like it's all according to my calculation.

But it isn't that bad. Because of this, I can easily understand. I can know what will happen and feel anticipated.

I've seen it all. But most of all. I can be sure that my parents taught me this.
To know what question can be ask.
To know what things should be done.
To know when actions can be done.
Most importantly,  to know how to hide ur feelings well and act out normal.

2013 Kem Bersepadu

It was my 1st ever camp I'd join. Cause I never like the activities given. I don't like the stuff we need to put up with. I don't like that we have to do what they say accordingly when the teachers don't. They say to improve our style on living. Wad abt them.? Don't they need to learn too.? This is why most of the teachers get cocky.

Never mind that. Haizzzzz. Another reason is, I'm afraid to have a team that doesn't work together. I've heard many stories, see through many kinds of stuff like that happen. I'm afraid that I'll lose control of my temper and people will look at me differently.  Because as they say, the good stuff we did can never be remembered but the bad stuff we did will always be in their mind.

But luckily,  I got a really reliable team mates and leader. I would never change my teammates. I'd really enjoyed every moment of it because of them. They made us laugh, we had lots of fun despite the activities given. They really lifft up my mood. I really really do love them. They are the best. My leader made sure everyone is involved without forcing. Unlike other groups counting on someone to do all the stuff. We really did had fun. I love it.

Before the night walk, I was really scared that I might see something because everyone was being so tensed and nervous. Walking up the hill, was still being scared until my teammates lift uo the mood. My leader and his frenz were so funny and sweet. Slowly I don't feel that scared anymore but troublesome cause it was very slippery and the girl behind kept falling and pulling me. Haiz.

Going down the hill was worse. I kept cursing in my heart each and every moment. I became super irritated, annoyed and pissed off. Cause going down was REALLY slippery and she kept pulling me down. And plus, it's already midnight 1am something and I'm tired and I'm already not that sporty like I used to be.

Thank goodness I survived the night walk. Haizzzzz.

Exams

Exam month = May.
3 weeks of having exams and the last day of sch is teacher's day.
Then that Friday and Saturday have to go for kem bersepadu.
I really don't feel like going. I don't know why. No idea.

Okayyyy. So exam.
These few days because of exam.
I became super tired even though nothing changes much. I also don't know why I feel so tired.

Because of me being super tired. In school,  I have no energy to entertain my friends at all. Most of my subject paper. I did halfway and was fishing.

I really want to thanks You Liang, Zheng Foong and Mango making the atmosphere around funnier. They made me relax somehow. They are very funny. I like them. But sometimes they may be over the top. Distracting u from ur thoghts but without them, I'll probably get nervous breakdown.

I don't think my friends knew I'm nervous. I think they think that I'm being moody and all. Well, whatever. Lucky they didn't constantly disturb me like wad JL did today. I'll probably boom them. And thank god I didn't boom JL. Almost did, but thanks to all the training from Nurul ( since standard 1 I knew her and she always kacau me all the time )

I admit I'm short tempered. But I don't boom someone I feel they need my protection... meaning someone who is soft and easily cry. So I only boom JL , JY and Flame.

I feel sad whenever my mum....
Yeaaaa. I'll keep this to myself.

Well... overall. As long as I reach home. I feel sad for no reason. Hahahaha. But as long as I know my friends will be there, it'll be alright.

Naruto : Road to Ninja.

So~ The left side is Menma ( which looks like Naruto in another dimension ). The right side is Naruto.

It's a nice story plot. Well... At least I liked it. =] It's nice. Very touching too <3
There's Naruto and Sakura scenes... But only 1 part Sakura with Sasuke...

In the story... Naruto gets to meet back his parents in another dimension. But it's actually Menma's parents.

 This movie made me cry in the end cause... Naruto, who have been longing for parent's care and love, got his wish but it turns out to be a fake to him. When he's leaving with Sakura to be back to their original world... Naruto cried and told them even it's a short while, he enjoyed it. The warmth and love they gave, he appreciate it a lot.

When they got back, Naruto felt very sad and lonely... When he reached his hse, knowing that there will be no more a dad and mom saying : Welcome back, to him. But Iruka-sensei was inside waiting for him... With cakes and everything... Naruto cried once again and Iruka-sensei said : Welcome back, Naruto.

Was so touched. And I got overly emotionally attached to that scene.
I went up, into the room and locked the door. Played my music player and started to cry out. It's been very long to cry this much. I cried almost like half an hour... Long time didn't cry until like this edi.
Still... Hope my eyes don't be swollen 2morrow... If not.. -.- troublesome.

I really felt super sad and all... I cried and cried and cried and cried until I even stop bothering what made me felt so sad in the 1st place. I just continue to cry and cry and cry until I felt that I need to stop because I still have to go down to eat my dinner.

My dad will see my stupid red face. Mum.? She's busy having party with her friends.

It's a sad day for me. Well.. not really.. Just that moment. Seriously sad.

2nd brother's birthday.

My mum planned his birthday celebration a week earlier. She talked abt it for a while now.

She told me, that K gor cannot celebrate on Thursday cause he's busy. So we'll celebrate on his actual birthday date, that is Friday.

My mum saud that she'll be late for her line dance party after the dinner.

- Usually, the 5 of us only eat dinner together when there's celebration of something.-

So I told her why not change to celebrate it on Saturday.
.... she told me cause she feels bad. That K gor have to pass his birthday only can celebrate.

She said she will feel bad.
Then did she ever thought how my 17th birthday went through. ?

I didn't even get to celebrate my birthday. There's no cake, no dinner. Heck. There's nothing except wishes.

If u think from the bright side, at least got wishes.

My friends all thought... " Heyyyyy,  she's the youngest and a girl too, bet she gets all the attention"

They don't know...
... my mum constantly talked abt ny brothers in front of me.
... my dad constantly saying how good their results are.
The 2 of them will always constantly remind me how far I am behind my brothers.
They always see them much much better than me.

Even if they don't sweep the hse. Even if they don't help out our parents to do stuff. Even if they don't iron their own clothes. 

And once I pointed out their bad sides, my mum protected them. Saying that they're working now. But what abt when their in sch.?! Did they do the same as me.??

I juz don't get it. How and why can she sees things so different towards different people.

Talkig to them, she always tries to be patient. She complaints them at me, even 发脾气 at me but never them. She always always aim me.

My dad's the worst. Everyday kacau kacauuuuuuuu kacauuuuuuuu.
Like u keep on freaking touching u. I swear I will call him molester 1 day. He likes to touch touch touch. Hit me for no reason. Repeat stuff n times juz cause he's bored. U bored then go work la.!!! U everyday at home boring when go work laaaa. !!

DAMMIT.

Qing Ming

Last time... All the while, when we need to go for Qing Ming... We always go to Father's side only... Means my dad's mother and father... To pay our respect and clean their graves.

This year, my mum and dad each have their Qing Ming program on the same day. So it crashed together. I don't want to go to my Father's side for Qing Ming. It's not that I do not want to pay my respect to my grandfather and grandmother, it's just that.. I do not want to have that feeling again and again and again...

Usually, we will go Qing Ming together...  Mum, Dad, big bro, 2nd bro and me... with father's side family. Our cousins from father's side that attend are all grown ups. And as a child, they find my helping unnecessary. My brothers are boys, so they can help with the heavy stuff. I'm a girl and a child. So usually, I'm left with nothing to do at all. Not that doing nothing is good, but... the feeling of everyone around ignores you like you shouldn't even be here if u're that useless. Then, my aunt will give me LOTS of joysticks to put at other people's graveyard as a respect.

My brothers and I will go around and put those joysticks. Each separate ways. I don't like that. I don't like being alone in the cemetery walking around. I hate that feeling. Not that I could ask my brothers to be with me. Haaa... me.. and them.? like a real brother and sister.? It doesn't happen in the family. Not mine. We're exactly what you call... " Familiar Stranger " We don't speak, we don't share. Funny that even when they came back from work, I'll say " Hi, gor. " None replies. None... From them. A good reply will be " en... "

And at least even when my mum will be busy helping out at the cemetery, she'll still talk to me. Now.? She's not gonna be there. Only my brothers and dad. And I don't even talk to them much. Going there, will be like a torture to myself. I tried to find plans so that I'll able to skip that Qing Ming.

One of my friends asked : " Can skip 1 meh.? " The other replied : " Dunno her... "
Yeah. yeah. I dunno what to say about this. Because, they're not me, and I don't expect them to feel the same as I do but still... A little bit considerate will do.? Please.? I need that......

It's lonely... Really lonely.

You guys going with families. At least they chat with you. At least they'll talk with you. At least, they are there.... knowing that you're around.

I really don't expect anyone to understand... Because they might feel : " Aiya... something like this small case lah... or you're being too sensitive over something like this. etc. "

Try living it for years. Years.