Tears

Wow.
Hahahaha. Honestly..
This blog is like a depression place of mine.
Okay.
So my friends all said I always bottle everything up until I couldn't anymore and that's why I break down every single time.

BUT, I feel sad like super easily.
For the random little stuff.
Or for no reasons at all.
I have nooooo idea how to describe that feeling but it has been always there.
I feel sad. I act like nothing happen. Done.

Semester 2 degree year 1.
It's like hell.
6 subjects, 5 subjects include labs experiments.
Which also means that report time~
And each week we have to hand them in.
So it's super tasking.
Class starts as early as 8am and as late as 6pm. by the time I'd reached home. it's super late.

It was so busy every day every second. It's like I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't do anything except to repeat doing them endless. Tutorials, assignments, reports, tests and finally Exam.
Exam period was like the super relax time we ever had in semester 2.
That's why.. I didn't have the mood to study at all.
Even when I force myself to read them.
I couldn't set my mood back to exam mode. I don't know why.
Maybe I was afraid of getting the panic attack like in semester 1, or maybe I was so sick of everything. I don't know.

I know my college's friends are worried about me.
But I couldn't open up.
I don't know why.
I just couldn't open up to them.

Then there's one paper which I totally screw up cause I have no idea how to do that piece of shit.
I knew I was gonna fail so bad.
Each friend tried to pm me, but i still couldn't tell them.
Like... what makes you think I'll tell you what's going on.
It's so complicated I don't even know where to start.
You don't know me, you don't understand me.
That's why I kept quiet.
I couldn't tell them, not then, not now.

After exam.. we had 3 weeks of holiday.
I cried few times during exam period which takes 2 weeks.
and in that 3 weeks of holiday.
I had a break down. A serious case of break down you could say.

Everything was hitting back on my face.
I was tired of pretending everything's okay.
I was tired to put up with things.
I was tired of people asking me questions I couldn't answer.
I was tired of smiling.

I locked myself in the bathroom, put on loud songs.
bend down and let the shower water pour onto me.
I cried and cried and cried. Bawling my eyes out.
I was literally feeling all the negative things.
I couldn't even describe how it felt like.
There's anxious, sadness, frustration, depressed, regret, sorrow, low self esteem, pissed.

I dunno. It just hurts. So I just cry hoping the feeling will end.

There's also this case with my close friend from my secondary school.
She was like the active younger sister I ever had.
But then things kinda drift apart.
Misunderstanding here and there. Inappropriate timing.
And I was tired. I was really really tired. And I just wanted everything to end.
I don't want to feel anymore.

She used to be the closest ring of friends I've ever made.
I never told anything to anyone other than them.
It hurts so damn much.
Each rejection, each time. The pain gets deeper even when you knew the answer.
I was so sad and so angry. But I have to stand in her shoes too.
She's busy. She doesn't have time for us anymore.

I don't have the right to be sad. Her closest friend wasn't me, it was R.
R should be feeling worse right now. But she couldn't because she was more towards angry.
What if her anger subsides... where does she place her sorrows to.

Things change. People change.
For the better or for the worse. It changes.
The whole world changes. So I shouldn't be surprise.
I just wonder... If I ever change... and if I'll like the change in me..
Or maybe I've already change without my own knowledge.

I was afraid. Another closest friend of mine is gonna overseas to study.
I was afraid he change too.
When he gets busy, different time zone...
So faraway.
What if he became like her... and drift away.

My closest friend are like a family to me.
Brother or sisters... I don't care, but they're my family.
I have no one else. My real family is broken apart.
That's why I depend on them.
They're my emotional and physical support.

What if... they ended up like my real family too.
Everyone drifting away.
Everyone too busy for each other.

What if they left.
What if I'm all alone again.
what if the people that I bare my soul to drift apart.

I'm already so broken...
if they leave me all alone again.
How do I bring myself back up.

I smile everyday, I laugh everyday.
But each time when I let myself to think.
It's only sadness and emptiness I feel.

If that time really comes...
I just hope I'm numb enough for it.

Long time no see ( post )

Ahahahahaha.. Yo.
It's been a very long while since I've posted something.
Exactly 4 months now.. hahahaha.. right.

It's not that I don't have things to say or things to post.
But every time it just goes back to that circle.
Since this blog is here for me to express negative thoughts. xD
or overly obsessed interest in some stuff that I don't want to spam in other social media.

But yeaaaa.. It's been really busy.
First year degree, first semester and all.
And was having trouble in grasping some subjects.
And then there's this crazy amount of tests. Urgh.

I've got 6 subjects in total for this semester.
And each subject has like AT LEAST 2 tests, 1 midterm test and exam.
And don't forget those tutorials, assignments and reports.
Argh. Just ... yea.. typical college student's lifestyle.

But no worries, I'm having fun too.
Got bunch of crazy people to support me and be wild. xD
hahahaha.. and they called me weird and random when they are too.

Sure there are some times where I couldn't keep it in.
I tried writing them down in my phone's note.
As to so I'd remember to post in the blog.

But when I read it back, I realized it's stupid and decided to delete it.
It's always like that though.
I feel them, I think about them, I drowned in the feelings.
I express them in the form of writing.
And then after some time, I read them back and always find that I'm so stupid.

Yeapppp. Always feel stupid when I express my feelings out.
Of course I've wonder if I should ever stop expressing them if I'd feel stupid all the time.
But I realized, I rather feel stupid once in a while than bottle everything up and end up a break down again.

Yea, again. Did that, done that. And it was stupid. Hahahaha.
Yeap, even more stupid than reading back.
Cause it's like you did this to yourself and you couldn't hold it anymore so basically it's your own fault.

So first semester examination ended and having a cool and free holidays.
hahahaha.. drowning myself in anime world and manga dimension.
and chasing after movies and learning japanese bit by bit.
Everything is hard. hahahaaha. cause not as enthusiastic as I was during exam period and not as hardworking and coordinate.

So.. procrastination is like my priorities during holiday. Which is really bad.
But I'm not complaining now. xD Maybe when my second semester starts. I won't know.

So~
The house chores... once I got used to it. I stopped complaining once in a while and just accepted it.
Hahahaha. I really don't give a shit anymore. I'd just clean things up and help out my mum.
Cause that's what I am suppose to do. I shouldn't care what other people do.
It's my role. And I'm doing my role well. I shouldn't and won't judge other people's role.

So~~~ That's why I'd stop complaining abt the house chores and role as a female.

Because there are more things to worry about. =)

Kawaii

Kawaii is the name of my rabbit I've gotten when I was still in form 5. It was still a baby rabbit, like around few months old. She's really cute and she gets scared really really easily.

Every time I carried her, she gets all jumpy that I'm so scared I'll drop her. She's so fluffy like a fur ball, SO CUTE. Every time she pees or shit, she'll do it on her food bowl. I have no idea whyyyyy. Her legs will squat on the edge of the bowl and do her business. Similar to how female humans do, she did it on four legs. hahahahahaa. It's always so cute and amusing catching her doing that.

But then, she died. Yea... Kawaii died.

And everyone started to make a joke out of her death. Just because she's killed by Yuki, my dog.
But I don't get why her death is so amusing that they are able to make a joke about it.

And every time they do, I have to fake a smile because that's what society wants you to be.
A perfect actress.

Kawaii died. Kawaii died. She died.
I don't know what's so funny. I cried and cried because she left.
Because Yuki killed her.

I was mad at her at first. But then I realized it's not her fault. She's an animal.
The fault is in me. I shouldn't have gotten Kawaii.
I shouldn't have gotten her then she wouldn't die.
I should have been more alert.
I indirectly killed Kawaii.

And every now and then they would still pull Kawaii's death as a joke.
And I couldn't do anything about it.
A little of me died inside. I don't even know if there's anything left in me anymore.

Gomen ne, Kawaii... Gomenasai.

I couldn't~

I couldn't exactly just cry in front of them and expect them to make everything feels right.

I couldn't just go upfront and say I'm sick of this living style and make everyone change.

Because that would be unfair to everyone of them. We did everything we could to be accustomed to it, to get used to this. What makes me that they should change?

I couldn't say I want them to stop being distant, because it's their love life and it's they way of living who I am to voice it out. It wouldn't be fair towards them to pretend for the sake of myself.

I couldn't ask them to look and me or even give me a pat on my head and say I'm glad to have you around. Because you can't force someone that doesn't feel that way to do it. Even though I'm glad to have you guys.

I couldn't break down now and complain every single thing because I've been through so far, why should I give up now.

I couldn't tell her to stop what's she doing because it's her happiness she's finding and I shouldn't interfere.

I couldn't tell him he's not doing anything to help because I don't know his thoughts and background.

I couldn't tell them I wanted to be closer to them just because I selfishly wanted to.

I'm selfish, I want things to be my way. I want things to go accordingly to the way I plan.

But I understand not everyone has it good like me. I know there are people with worse circumstances than me. I should appreciate what I have now.

Phew~ always better when everything is let out. Even though I still don't really know how to express through writing.

Ogenki desu ka? How are you?

There are many ways of people asking How Are You...

The first type.

 

1. People who doesn't really care and just ask for the sake of asking. If you say that you're fine, it's none of their business. If you say you're not, it's still really none of their business. They couldn't care less about you.

The second type.

2.  -People that ask genuinely but they really don't want to know much about it and secretly hoping that you would just say you're fine and get over with it. You're too troublesome for them to be bothered. It's wasting their time.

     -People that ask genuinely but felt relief if you said you're fine so that they can get along their lives without troublesome stuff. But if you're not fine, they'd listened. But only listen to ease your troubles and they'll forget about it soon.

The third type.

3. Friends that asked how are you but they were just waiting for you to say you're fine. With an aura saying stop wasting my time and give me an answer already. But you say you're not fine, they'd be concern but they slightly don't bother. However, they'd listen and might give you advice or calm you down. And they remember.

 

The fourth type.

4. Close friends that ask genuinely and with whatever your answer is towards the question, they'll believe it. Because they wouldn't know what to do and how to react even if they knew about the truth is that you're not. If you say you're not, they'd be by your side hoping to ease your pain.

The fifth type.

5. People who genuinely care and really asking how you are and able to see part of your facade. These types might pull people in easily due to their kindness. But honestly, it scares me away because I couldn't see through if you're really being truthful about it or your art of deceive is too professional for me to see it through.

So... How are you?

- side story -

I had a teacher from secondary that cares for all her students. She's always kind and soft. She's the first teacher that saw through " I'm fine ". It scares me that she can see through it. I felt uneasy whenever she starts to talk to me. I would always avoid talking to her alone or the subject being on me. There was once, she asked if I'm okay, I as usual said Yea. She looked me in the eye, frowned and asked again, are you sure?  You don't look fine. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can talk to me. I almost cried, but of course I laugh it off and smile away and thanked her. 

There was another time in the class, she was asking what we're afraid of. I told her. But no one heard me. Students, friends did not hear my answer, but she did and she was wayyyyy in front. When she heard what I was afraid of, she came walking towards me and I panicked. I couldn't think of something to slip that topic off. In the end, I made a joke out of it and thank gawd it slide. 

Every time talking to her, I felt like crying. I have no idea why. 

So I would always avoid her.

She's a great teacher though. It's just me.

 

Sometimes

Sometimes,
I would just suddenly sunk deep into my thoughts...
Most of the times, remembering the past and present and picturing the future.
Another times would be talking to myself in my mind.
Sometimes would be an imagination of a complete different world.

I don't know why I think so much...
Ok, maybe it's a habit since young...

I was trying to ignore the arguments I heard,
The scolding, the blaming...
That I started to wander my thoughts alone.
Thinking that everything will be fine as long as I don't see or hear it.
But that was not the case...

No matter how u try to ignore the fact,
Or try to escape and run to your own world...
You'd still have to face that reality.
You'd still have to come back from your own world.
Because being in your own world doesn't and never last long.

There will be always people that makes you face the reality and you have no place to run to.
Not your families, not your friends.

I believe in love, but it's only because I think of it like I believe in Miracles.
They happens only once a while and it's a rare chance to occur.
I don't believe love last long, but I want to keep the belief too.
I don't believe love can change people for good, because they change back to themselves or they remain ignorant. Since love fades eventually.

Friends drift apart too.
Like in primary school. We promised to keep contact always.
But they leave you behind and go on with their lives.
No matter who u meet, and where u meet them.
There will always be something like that to happen.

That's why I was distant...
But then I opened my heart out.
And I think I regret doing that.?

Because even if friendships stays, it won't be the same anymore. Since people change.
They'd find someone new to replace you.
They'd find someone more important to spend time with.

You're a past now, and they found someone new to be attach to.
Yea. Opening  you heart isn't really a wise choice.
When you know what's gonna happen anyways.

It's even more dreadful when they know, but they won't know what to do.
Because everyone will think that they haven't change at all.
And it's even more painful when you have to smile despite everything else.
Because the only way for you to not lose yourself again, is to pretend everything is ok.

If I admit now that everything is a mess, everything is hurting me.
I'd be more broken than I am now.
Will I be able to stand from then onwards.?
or will I continue to sink in deeper.

How do you stand back up when you've given up all the hopes.
How do you live, when it's painful to breathe.
How do you sleep, if you're having better lives in your dreams than your life. even if it's a nightmare.
How do you apologize to the person who given u life, when you feel like ending them.

My smiles are breaking down. My tears are falling down.
It feels like it's too late to lock my heart once again.
It took years to build that lock but a moment to break it.
I want my heart locked again.
I want my smiles to be perfect again, so that they would leave me alone.
I want to be alone now.

where did my act went.
where did my lock disappear to.
where is my smile.

People who inspire me the most

There's two people in my life that inspired me since I'm young.
The first one is my nanny, the second would be my mum.

I remember once, I woke up in my nanny's room, it was still really early.
So I was droopy still, i walked out of the room and went downstairs.
I sat in the middle of the staircase. Saw my nanny, walking here and there.
Busy with all the housework.
It was then when it strike my mind, she's strong in her way.
She's hardworking, she's kind, she's lovely.
She's already old but she's still working her bones off.
I really admire her.
I love her cooking.
She's the first person who would actually come look for me when I'm down.
Even when she has a tough life, her eldest son is not a good person, her husband is a son of a ....., her mother in law bosses her around. Yet, she cared for them, give them home.
Her 2nd and youngest son and daughter helps her out. I'm close with them too. =)
I wonder if anyone told her that they're proud of her. Because I am. =D

My mum, same thing.
She stays strong.
Even though she might not be good in concerning still she cares.
She knows how to survive in society.
She taught me a lot of stuff.
Stuff I should and also stuff I shouldn't.
i think the closest person I am with and she is with would be us each other.
She would always be the driver around and she sometimes doesn't mind.
She appreciates her friends a lot, they would always go out now and then to catch up.
I hope mine is the same too.

A side story~
I got this very close primary school friend, she's a klutz.
She's girly, annoying, soft and easy bullied by other people.
But somehow we became best friends.
And I got short tempered.
I would always scold her when she messed up and she would just laugh it off.
I'm like a bodyguard to her.
I'd protect her when someone wants to bully her, pay back people who bullied her.
She's maybe the one that open the lock to my heart. But I never did open the door for her.
Still, I'm glad I get to be friends with her.
Even though she's very annoying.
hahahahaha...