Exams

Exam month = May.
3 weeks of having exams and the last day of sch is teacher's day.
Then that Friday and Saturday have to go for kem bersepadu.
I really don't feel like going. I don't know why. No idea.

Okayyyy. So exam.
These few days because of exam.
I became super tired even though nothing changes much. I also don't know why I feel so tired.

Because of me being super tired. In school,  I have no energy to entertain my friends at all. Most of my subject paper. I did halfway and was fishing.

I really want to thanks You Liang, Zheng Foong and Mango making the atmosphere around funnier. They made me relax somehow. They are very funny. I like them. But sometimes they may be over the top. Distracting u from ur thoghts but without them, I'll probably get nervous breakdown.

I don't think my friends knew I'm nervous. I think they think that I'm being moody and all. Well, whatever. Lucky they didn't constantly disturb me like wad JL did today. I'll probably boom them. And thank god I didn't boom JL. Almost did, but thanks to all the training from Nurul ( since standard 1 I knew her and she always kacau me all the time )

I admit I'm short tempered. But I don't boom someone I feel they need my protection... meaning someone who is soft and easily cry. So I only boom JL , JY and Flame.

I feel sad whenever my mum....
Yeaaaa. I'll keep this to myself.

Well... overall. As long as I reach home. I feel sad for no reason. Hahahaha. But as long as I know my friends will be there, it'll be alright.

Naruto : Road to Ninja.

So~ The left side is Menma ( which looks like Naruto in another dimension ). The right side is Naruto.

It's a nice story plot. Well... At least I liked it. =] It's nice. Very touching too <3
There's Naruto and Sakura scenes... But only 1 part Sakura with Sasuke...

In the story... Naruto gets to meet back his parents in another dimension. But it's actually Menma's parents.

 This movie made me cry in the end cause... Naruto, who have been longing for parent's care and love, got his wish but it turns out to be a fake to him. When he's leaving with Sakura to be back to their original world... Naruto cried and told them even it's a short while, he enjoyed it. The warmth and love they gave, he appreciate it a lot.

When they got back, Naruto felt very sad and lonely... When he reached his hse, knowing that there will be no more a dad and mom saying : Welcome back, to him. But Iruka-sensei was inside waiting for him... With cakes and everything... Naruto cried once again and Iruka-sensei said : Welcome back, Naruto.

Was so touched. And I got overly emotionally attached to that scene.
I went up, into the room and locked the door. Played my music player and started to cry out. It's been very long to cry this much. I cried almost like half an hour... Long time didn't cry until like this edi.
Still... Hope my eyes don't be swollen 2morrow... If not.. -.- troublesome.

I really felt super sad and all... I cried and cried and cried and cried until I even stop bothering what made me felt so sad in the 1st place. I just continue to cry and cry and cry until I felt that I need to stop because I still have to go down to eat my dinner.

My dad will see my stupid red face. Mum.? She's busy having party with her friends.

It's a sad day for me. Well.. not really.. Just that moment. Seriously sad.

2nd brother's birthday.

My mum planned his birthday celebration a week earlier. She talked abt it for a while now.

She told me, that K gor cannot celebrate on Thursday cause he's busy. So we'll celebrate on his actual birthday date, that is Friday.

My mum saud that she'll be late for her line dance party after the dinner.

- Usually, the 5 of us only eat dinner together when there's celebration of something.-

So I told her why not change to celebrate it on Saturday.
.... she told me cause she feels bad. That K gor have to pass his birthday only can celebrate.

She said she will feel bad.
Then did she ever thought how my 17th birthday went through. ?

I didn't even get to celebrate my birthday. There's no cake, no dinner. Heck. There's nothing except wishes.

If u think from the bright side, at least got wishes.

My friends all thought... " Heyyyyy,  she's the youngest and a girl too, bet she gets all the attention"

They don't know...
... my mum constantly talked abt ny brothers in front of me.
... my dad constantly saying how good their results are.
The 2 of them will always constantly remind me how far I am behind my brothers.
They always see them much much better than me.

Even if they don't sweep the hse. Even if they don't help out our parents to do stuff. Even if they don't iron their own clothes. 

And once I pointed out their bad sides, my mum protected them. Saying that they're working now. But what abt when their in sch.?! Did they do the same as me.??

I juz don't get it. How and why can she sees things so different towards different people.

Talkig to them, she always tries to be patient. She complaints them at me, even 发脾气 at me but never them. She always always aim me.

My dad's the worst. Everyday kacau kacauuuuuuuu kacauuuuuuuu.
Like u keep on freaking touching u. I swear I will call him molester 1 day. He likes to touch touch touch. Hit me for no reason. Repeat stuff n times juz cause he's bored. U bored then go work la.!!! U everyday at home boring when go work laaaa. !!

DAMMIT.

Qing Ming

Last time... All the while, when we need to go for Qing Ming... We always go to Father's side only... Means my dad's mother and father... To pay our respect and clean their graves.

This year, my mum and dad each have their Qing Ming program on the same day. So it crashed together. I don't want to go to my Father's side for Qing Ming. It's not that I do not want to pay my respect to my grandfather and grandmother, it's just that.. I do not want to have that feeling again and again and again...

Usually, we will go Qing Ming together...  Mum, Dad, big bro, 2nd bro and me... with father's side family. Our cousins from father's side that attend are all grown ups. And as a child, they find my helping unnecessary. My brothers are boys, so they can help with the heavy stuff. I'm a girl and a child. So usually, I'm left with nothing to do at all. Not that doing nothing is good, but... the feeling of everyone around ignores you like you shouldn't even be here if u're that useless. Then, my aunt will give me LOTS of joysticks to put at other people's graveyard as a respect.

My brothers and I will go around and put those joysticks. Each separate ways. I don't like that. I don't like being alone in the cemetery walking around. I hate that feeling. Not that I could ask my brothers to be with me. Haaa... me.. and them.? like a real brother and sister.? It doesn't happen in the family. Not mine. We're exactly what you call... " Familiar Stranger " We don't speak, we don't share. Funny that even when they came back from work, I'll say " Hi, gor. " None replies. None... From them. A good reply will be " en... "

And at least even when my mum will be busy helping out at the cemetery, she'll still talk to me. Now.? She's not gonna be there. Only my brothers and dad. And I don't even talk to them much. Going there, will be like a torture to myself. I tried to find plans so that I'll able to skip that Qing Ming.

One of my friends asked : " Can skip 1 meh.? " The other replied : " Dunno her... "
Yeah. yeah. I dunno what to say about this. Because, they're not me, and I don't expect them to feel the same as I do but still... A little bit considerate will do.? Please.? I need that......

It's lonely... Really lonely.

You guys going with families. At least they chat with you. At least they'll talk with you. At least, they are there.... knowing that you're around.

I really don't expect anyone to understand... Because they might feel : " Aiya... something like this small case lah... or you're being too sensitive over something like this. etc. "

Try living it for years. Years.

Crush

So~ My friends... All tease me about the guys that MAYBE liked me or some which confessed to me before...

But... every time after that teasing... I'll think of the one that I once like. Had a crush on him for like 3 years, until standard 6 only confessed to him.
Hahahaha.. Got reject though...

Karma.? Maybe.? Cause before that... Turned down lots of confession from other boys. Haaa... It's last year already, not surprised.

Now, it's either I want to find someone to be with me to ease the loneliness or... I'd really fallen for him. hahahaha.. Afraid though... To find out which is which.. Scared to be hurt like last time... Seriously.. afraid to be reject again.. That feeling... It hurts.... Really really hurts...

So... For now... I'll just live my life... without any relationships... If he, would approached me again. Maybe this time, I'll try, to be with him.

But life isn't a fairy tale. Nothing like that from my imagination will come true even how much one prays it to come true.

So... Face the reality and live my life. Forget those us teenagers shouldn't worry about and get on with our lives.

What have I done?
I wish I could run away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep makin' a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?
To get it right
Can I start again?
With my faith shaken, 'cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep makin' a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?
So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
I'll send out a wish and I'll send up a prayer
And finally someone will see how much I care
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Oh, my best intentions keep makin' a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take to get it right?
To get it right

Mother with children

Dear mum, u aren't home yet. Guess that should be a normal thing. U would always go out with ur frenz till late night. And ruin our plan. Yeahhhh,  congrats.

So... I find that ny mum definitely love children. She treat other children better than her own children.

Last time when my 2nd bro didn't do something, mum took his ps 2 memory card as a punishment. And when I didn't do my homework, she would not let me sleep till I finish it.

Then Joshua, my cousin who is in primary sch, he's naughty, lazy and playful.  That day he didn't finish his homework and his mum juz scold him, juz scold only. Then my mum will go near him and pampered him. Stupid. Urggggh. If he's a good kid, I dun mind. But wad the hell.?! A kid like him u also can treat so well why not to ur children. ?!?!

Many many more examples can be given but my hands are tired... -.- and I wanna sleep. That's all then.

Blood Test

So... As the title said, it's about a blood test. My friends and I went to do a blood test for the Hepatitis B... It's held in the school.

Asked my mum's permission and the RM 16, wanted to go on Thursday, but my friends totally forgot about it... So we went on Friday.

After the Islam thingy program, we went to the Bilik Kesihatan, but it's full with people, so we went back to our class and wait for them to call us.

Finally, it's our turn. I'm not afraid at 1st, cause I've gotten injection lots of times. 3 times when I'm younger : On the Hand, on the arm, on the butt. Twice in primary school : Both on arm, but different injection. Once in Secondary School, for the jaw thingy... This would be the 1st time getting my blood to be taken. xDD Kinda cool... in a way. Was a LITTLE bit excited, but because of the influence of both my friends, RH and JL, they made me feel scared.

Okay~ So among us 3, I'm the 1st 1 to go. Was calm and the nurse took my blood. A male friend of mine saw how calm I am and was shocked and said : Whoahh ~ You're so calm... I was like >>> =.=''
Okay.?

After that, went outside to wait for my friend, played with my arm a bit. As you know the blood won't dry that fast, so I went to take off the cotton and bent my elbow, the blood squirt out. xD
nyahahaha.. it looks kinda cool. I tried demonstrating it to the other male friends outside, but the blood stop squirting out. =w=''

Stayed with them for a while, only a SHORT while, I felt dizzy and wanted to go to the bench and sit down to rest. When I was walking over there, my head was spinning. SERIOUSLY, DIZZY.

Was quiet all the while, I thought : Let me rest for a while, maybe it'll be better. But I was wrong... As I sat there longer, I became more uncomfortable... My eyes were starting to become blur-er and blur-er... with very bright light, plus my head is freaking dizzy, my ears were starting to unable to hear, something like there's water blocking inside of your ears, plus, my body felt numb. Was suddenly sweating a lot and a lot with cold sweat, and I was finding it hard to breathe.

While it's happening, I thought I was either gonna to faint or die. Haaaa... cause when the nurse took my blood, she pulled the syringe and push back a little of my blood back. -.- so yea, I thought there's air bubbles in the blood she pushed back.

So, if it turns out I'll die, I panicked at 1st when I thought I'm gonna die, but then something strike my mind that, dying here right now, didn't mean anything to me. Weird right.? Usually, people will be afraid to die at this age cause they find there's so much more things they haven't accomplished. But for me, I don't know why I felt, even if I die, it won't be that much big of a deal. The stuff I want to accomplished won't happen anyway, I'm not being pessimistic, I'm just being realistic.

And, if it turns out I'll faint, I know they'll definitely call my parents. And the 1st who will freak out will be my mom. My mum is a klutz when she panicked. I won't wanna trouble anyone. Everyone I know will keep on asking How Am I... if I woke up. Everyone will try to care, I know it's good but, the way they look at me isn't caring at all... It's fear. They fear. So, I force myself to stay conscious.

I tried to talk, was staying quiet all the while cause I have no energy, I asked my friend to call the chinese nurse for assistance. She told me to sit on a sofa with a lower posture and asked my friend to find sweet for me to eat. Sat there quite a long time. Both of my friends, RH and JL was so worried. I can't help but to be more healthier.? even a little bit, that can help lifting their worries, I hope.

Then, 2 male classmates of mine came. They accompany us chatting and talking, that was nice. Class reunion should be something like this, talking about everything without any groups. Hahaha, JL even ask them to piggy-back carry me, but they suggest to princess-carry me ( -.- )  to our classroom cause I seriously can't move. I felt much more better that time, it's just that the head is still dizzy and my body is like paralyzed. Other than my primary male best friend, they are the sweetest male friend ever. They are there accompanying us, that's very sweet. Because you can't find very less friends that are not your BEST friend, to be by your side when you're not feeling well.


 Actually, I did not plan to tell my mum that I almost fainted cause I don't want her to be worried. But JL... =.='' told her. At 1st she didn't believe, after dropping JL and her sister down. Only I told her it's true. I really, seriously, thought that she'll be worried. But instead, she thought I was afraid of blood. She thought I almost faint was because of a stupid drop of blood where everybody has in them, and not because my body is actually stupidly weak and I didn't eat anything.

Well... Told myself again and again and again and again not to have hopes on family relationships. I did, not having high hopes on anything but every time when it comes to something like this, I'll have that hope that won't exist and made me fall harder each and every time.

As what the picture said. Once upon a time. Where it still seems good, but never perfect.