Hello 2018

HAHAHAHAHAHA. OK.

So it's literally been like a year.
Wooooooow, those days I was so hardworking in updating this blog. xD
Jeeezzzzzzz.... So depressing.
Whaiiii. HAHAHAHHAHAA

Ok,

Life's great, Friends' great.
Finished my degree, gonna start my master's program.

In summary~

Internship was fun but stress as well when you get scold by different lab assistants for most of the times because you're in unfamiliar ground. Then we went to temple to pray. HAHAHA
To be not that unlucky and it worked. Everything went smoothly, gawd bless. my goodness.
Was so tired of getting scold I might burst.

Final year project for my degree is a hugeeeeee big mistake.
Why did I choose that topic.
At first I thought it was such a coincidence, it might improve my knowledge on it.
TURNS OUT. I'm wrong cause no one knows shit about the experiment I'm trying to do.
And have to start out from scratch with no one to guide me or accompany me.
=( all aloneeeee. booooo.
Even went back during all my sem breaks and got nothing done.
What a year.

Love life is still as suckish as possible.
HAHAHA
the one i like don't like me, the one that likes me I don't like.
What comes around goes around. xD
WHAT A HUGE CIRCLE is that gonna be.

Got so freaking addicted in reading novels from phone that it's like a addictive poison.
I even stopped chasing after manga[s] and anime[s].
SO sad. because I want to, but it's like when i have free time i would choose reading my novel.

Manage to graduate successfully lol.
even though not first class. >.>
but yeah... the convocation is supposingly on Feb 2019, so yeah.

Starting masters next month and yeahhhh...
As always, hope everything goes well.

Peace out yo. xDD

Alive but dead inside

Hmmm~ It's been more than a year since I've updated this.
hahahahahhaa
And as usual... it just might be the depressing shit hole of mine.
A place where my dark side roams around I guess...

It's not that I haven't been updating means things have gotten better...
x'D But I think it's really the opposite.
I couldn't find time to even update in here.
Usually write stuff in the diary until slowly...  I even gave up writing in the diary.

I was in a dilemma. hahahaha.
writing about all these... a part of me wants people to know, the other part I want to keep this all a secret. A secret no one should know. A secret for myself to keep.
A place where no one knows about me.
But I guess it'll be pretty lonely living like that.
Might as well find someone to accompany me. HAHAHAHAHA
WOOOTS

It has been a long ride.
Hahahaa. Ups and downs.... as per usual...
Same old same old. Have fun. Feel alone. Depressed. Cry. Enjoy life. Try to enjoy life. Advise myself to enjoy and let go. Depressed. Cry. Alone. Have fun. and the cycle repeats itself automatically.

I have no idea what I'm depressed about.
I have no idea why do i feel that way.

I just want to cry and everything just feels so empty inside.
Alive but dead inside, you know?
That feeling when you're content with everything, but somehow you just want to... let everything go you know? Give up.

It's busy for school.
It's busy for intern.
All those on-going and over.

What's wrong.
I don't know.

How are you?
I'm fine.

Are you ok?
I'm just tired.

Are you sure?
Sure (no I'm not)

Why don't you tell anyone?
(What's there a need to tell. i don't even know what's wrong)

Why do you keep keeping everything inside ?
(Who else should I keep turn to every time this happens)

Why don't you lean on me?
(Because I'm scared)

There's nothing to be afraid of.
(How do you know, what if i get hurt again, I wouldn't be able to take it)

You shouldn't be afraid to take a step forward.
(I once was fearless and took a step, but I ended up falling off a cliff)

Ahhh... I'm tired.

Yuki

Yuki is my dog's name. My dad got her when I was around form 4 or form 5. That time, she was around 9 months old and already looks huge. She's black in colour and she's a timid dog.
She barks all the time and gets scared easily and always very playful.

Every time when it heavy rains or thunder happens, she would whine and look through the sliding door. I would go there, accompany her. I'd sit on the floor and I sang. I sang songs, random songs to her to let her know I'm there. Even though I couldn't do much, and I never did anything much to her. I sat and accompany her through the rain and thunder. Usually I'm always alone with her at home. So most of the time when it heavy rains along with thunder, my house will trip and I would sit with her. She needs my constant patting because she's a spoilt brat. When I stopped patting her, she would turn and look at me as if she's afraid I would leave.

She always got complaint by my 2nd brother and mother. Mum would sometimes tease her in a playful manner and other times she would scold her.

Every time Yuki saw mum near her, she would jump on her. I never understand it though, and mum will be flustered and shouting and screaming. But Yuki always stopped and rarely jumped on me, probably scared of me or something. She's more obedient towards me than my mum, though she's more obedient towards my dad than me.

There's one time, I decided to play with her. I went out, she saw me. I make a funny face towards her and asked if she wanna play. She went to grab a toy and place in front of both of us. I wanted to take it, but she quickly took it away and ran. Then I got it, I went chasing her around the place. Hahahaha. She's so playful, I kept teasing her and at last, I got tired and told her I'm going back in and then she lay down in front of the door.

I didn't really blame her for what she did to Kawaii, it wasn't her fault. However, I admit that at first I was angry at her but not anymore. I understand because it's not her fault.

I bought a comb for her. She doesn't have a comb and her fur is always dropping everywhere whenever I pat her. So I bought her a comb.

But then, she died after 1 week I bought that comb.

She was a timid dog, she's afraid of fireworks. And it's chinese new year week. 

She died.

I'm still not sure if it's a good thing for her. Being in this family, it's complicated.

Then I dreamt of her. I dreamt of her running back home, through the gate and towards me. And there's black men trying to chase and capture her. She doesn't want to leave, she kept running away from them and brushing past me. But I couldn't move, I was stuck there. 

I was overwhelmed. First it was " she came back " then it was " why are they chasing her " , " run away Yuki " , " why couldn't I move " , " why didn't I do anything "

And I woke up crying.

I should've known. 

That morning before I left for college...

I went to look at her at the usual place...

But she's not there....

I couldn't call out her name that time...

Usually I do.

But I didn't...

I think because deep down I knew it'll happen one day...

I've always knew.

maybe one day, we'll meet again somewhere.

until then, rest well.

Tears

Wow.
Hahahaha. Honestly..
This blog is like a depression place of mine.
Okay.
So my friends all said I always bottle everything up until I couldn't anymore and that's why I break down every single time.

BUT, I feel sad like super easily.
For the random little stuff.
Or for no reasons at all.
I have nooooo idea how to describe that feeling but it has been always there.
I feel sad. I act like nothing happen. Done.

Semester 2 degree year 1.
It's like hell.
6 subjects, 5 subjects include labs experiments.
Which also means that report time~
And each week we have to hand them in.
So it's super tasking.
Class starts as early as 8am and as late as 6pm. by the time I'd reached home. it's super late.

It was so busy every day every second. It's like I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't do anything except to repeat doing them endless. Tutorials, assignments, reports, tests and finally Exam.
Exam period was like the super relax time we ever had in semester 2.
That's why.. I didn't have the mood to study at all.
Even when I force myself to read them.
I couldn't set my mood back to exam mode. I don't know why.
Maybe I was afraid of getting the panic attack like in semester 1, or maybe I was so sick of everything. I don't know.

I know my college's friends are worried about me.
But I couldn't open up.
I don't know why.
I just couldn't open up to them.

Then there's one paper which I totally screw up cause I have no idea how to do that piece of shit.
I knew I was gonna fail so bad.
Each friend tried to pm me, but i still couldn't tell them.
Like... what makes you think I'll tell you what's going on.
It's so complicated I don't even know where to start.
You don't know me, you don't understand me.
That's why I kept quiet.
I couldn't tell them, not then, not now.

After exam.. we had 3 weeks of holiday.
I cried few times during exam period which takes 2 weeks.
and in that 3 weeks of holiday.
I had a break down. A serious case of break down you could say.

Everything was hitting back on my face.
I was tired of pretending everything's okay.
I was tired to put up with things.
I was tired of people asking me questions I couldn't answer.
I was tired of smiling.

I locked myself in the bathroom, put on loud songs.
bend down and let the shower water pour onto me.
I cried and cried and cried. Bawling my eyes out.
I was literally feeling all the negative things.
I couldn't even describe how it felt like.
There's anxious, sadness, frustration, depressed, regret, sorrow, low self esteem, pissed.

I dunno. It just hurts. So I just cry hoping the feeling will end.

There's also this case with my close friend from my secondary school.
She was like the active younger sister I ever had.
But then things kinda drift apart.
Misunderstanding here and there. Inappropriate timing.
And I was tired. I was really really tired. And I just wanted everything to end.
I don't want to feel anymore.

She used to be the closest ring of friends I've ever made.
I never told anything to anyone other than them.
It hurts so damn much.
Each rejection, each time. The pain gets deeper even when you knew the answer.
I was so sad and so angry. But I have to stand in her shoes too.
She's busy. She doesn't have time for us anymore.

I don't have the right to be sad. Her closest friend wasn't me, it was R.
R should be feeling worse right now. But she couldn't because she was more towards angry.
What if her anger subsides... where does she place her sorrows to.

Things change. People change.
For the better or for the worse. It changes.
The whole world changes. So I shouldn't be surprise.
I just wonder... If I ever change... and if I'll like the change in me..
Or maybe I've already change without my own knowledge.

I was afraid. Another closest friend of mine is gonna overseas to study.
I was afraid he change too.
When he gets busy, different time zone...
So faraway.
What if he became like her... and drift away.

My closest friend are like a family to me.
Brother or sisters... I don't care, but they're my family.
I have no one else. My real family is broken apart.
That's why I depend on them.
They're my emotional and physical support.

What if... they ended up like my real family too.
Everyone drifting away.
Everyone too busy for each other.

What if they left.
What if I'm all alone again.
what if the people that I bare my soul to drift apart.

I'm already so broken...
if they leave me all alone again.
How do I bring myself back up.

I smile everyday, I laugh everyday.
But each time when I let myself to think.
It's only sadness and emptiness I feel.

If that time really comes...
I just hope I'm numb enough for it.

Long time no see ( post )

Ahahahahaha.. Yo.
It's been a very long while since I've posted something.
Exactly 4 months now.. hahahaha.. right.

It's not that I don't have things to say or things to post.
But every time it just goes back to that circle.
Since this blog is here for me to express negative thoughts. xD
or overly obsessed interest in some stuff that I don't want to spam in other social media.

But yeaaaa.. It's been really busy.
First year degree, first semester and all.
And was having trouble in grasping some subjects.
And then there's this crazy amount of tests. Urgh.

I've got 6 subjects in total for this semester.
And each subject has like AT LEAST 2 tests, 1 midterm test and exam.
And don't forget those tutorials, assignments and reports.
Argh. Just ... yea.. typical college student's lifestyle.

But no worries, I'm having fun too.
Got bunch of crazy people to support me and be wild. xD
hahahaha.. and they called me weird and random when they are too.

Sure there are some times where I couldn't keep it in.
I tried writing them down in my phone's note.
As to so I'd remember to post in the blog.

But when I read it back, I realized it's stupid and decided to delete it.
It's always like that though.
I feel them, I think about them, I drowned in the feelings.
I express them in the form of writing.
And then after some time, I read them back and always find that I'm so stupid.

Yeapppp. Always feel stupid when I express my feelings out.
Of course I've wonder if I should ever stop expressing them if I'd feel stupid all the time.
But I realized, I rather feel stupid once in a while than bottle everything up and end up a break down again.

Yea, again. Did that, done that. And it was stupid. Hahahaha.
Yeap, even more stupid than reading back.
Cause it's like you did this to yourself and you couldn't hold it anymore so basically it's your own fault.

So first semester examination ended and having a cool and free holidays.
hahahaha.. drowning myself in anime world and manga dimension.
and chasing after movies and learning japanese bit by bit.
Everything is hard. hahahaaha. cause not as enthusiastic as I was during exam period and not as hardworking and coordinate.

So.. procrastination is like my priorities during holiday. Which is really bad.
But I'm not complaining now. xD Maybe when my second semester starts. I won't know.

So~
The house chores... once I got used to it. I stopped complaining once in a while and just accepted it.
Hahahaha. I really don't give a shit anymore. I'd just clean things up and help out my mum.
Cause that's what I am suppose to do. I shouldn't care what other people do.
It's my role. And I'm doing my role well. I shouldn't and won't judge other people's role.

So~~~ That's why I'd stop complaining abt the house chores and role as a female.

Because there are more things to worry about. =)

Kawaii

Kawaii is the name of my rabbit I've gotten when I was still in form 5. It was still a baby rabbit, like around few months old. She's really cute and she gets scared really really easily.

Every time I carried her, she gets all jumpy that I'm so scared I'll drop her. She's so fluffy like a fur ball, SO CUTE. Every time she pees or shit, she'll do it on her food bowl. I have no idea whyyyyy. Her legs will squat on the edge of the bowl and do her business. Similar to how female humans do, she did it on four legs. hahahahahaa. It's always so cute and amusing catching her doing that.

But then, she died. Yea... Kawaii died.

And everyone started to make a joke out of her death. Just because she's killed by Yuki, my dog.
But I don't get why her death is so amusing that they are able to make a joke about it.

And every time they do, I have to fake a smile because that's what society wants you to be.
A perfect actress.

Kawaii died. Kawaii died. She died.
I don't know what's so funny. I cried and cried because she left.
Because Yuki killed her.

I was mad at her at first. But then I realized it's not her fault. She's an animal.
The fault is in me. I shouldn't have gotten Kawaii.
I shouldn't have gotten her then she wouldn't die.
I should have been more alert.
I indirectly killed Kawaii.

And every now and then they would still pull Kawaii's death as a joke.
And I couldn't do anything about it.
A little of me died inside. I don't even know if there's anything left in me anymore.

Gomen ne, Kawaii... Gomenasai.

I couldn't~

I couldn't exactly just cry in front of them and expect them to make everything feels right.

I couldn't just go upfront and say I'm sick of this living style and make everyone change.

Because that would be unfair to everyone of them. We did everything we could to be accustomed to it, to get used to this. What makes me that they should change?

I couldn't say I want them to stop being distant, because it's their love life and it's they way of living who I am to voice it out. It wouldn't be fair towards them to pretend for the sake of myself.

I couldn't ask them to look and me or even give me a pat on my head and say I'm glad to have you around. Because you can't force someone that doesn't feel that way to do it. Even though I'm glad to have you guys.

I couldn't break down now and complain every single thing because I've been through so far, why should I give up now.

I couldn't tell her to stop what's she doing because it's her happiness she's finding and I shouldn't interfere.

I couldn't tell him he's not doing anything to help because I don't know his thoughts and background.

I couldn't tell them I wanted to be closer to them just because I selfishly wanted to.

I'm selfish, I want things to be my way. I want things to go accordingly to the way I plan.

But I understand not everyone has it good like me. I know there are people with worse circumstances than me. I should appreciate what I have now.

Phew~ always better when everything is let out. Even though I still don't really know how to express through writing.