I'm sorry

I'm sorry I'm not as good as other people are.
I'm sorry that I'm not as patient as other people are.
I'm sorry I can't think the way you do.
I'm sorry for putting you guys in a disappointed mood
I'm sorry what you've expected is not happening.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you expect me to be.
I'm sorry that I couldn't see what you're trying to tell me.
I'm sorry I'm not being the best in your eyes.
I'm really sorry to break anyone's heart or hurt anyone of you.

I'm really sorry.......

But still....

Why can't anyone of you see how hard I've been trying my best.?
Why can't my hardwork paid off what I've putting it in.?
Is it because I did not work hard enough.?
Why can't someone there to see through the pain and sadness inside me.?
Is it because I tend to hide my emotions.?
But isn't there always someone that will be able to notice that.?
Why can't that person appear now.?
Why can't I trust anyone to tell my feelings about this.?

No one knows how hard it is. But it's really not their fault.
I didn't tell anyone. They're not me.
Therefore... It's understandable.

But I want to be childish for this once...
Someone there to pat my head and tell me everything's fine and that he/she will be there for me whatever happens.

Someone to notice the pain I've been enduring.
Someone to take me off this hell I'm living in.
Someone to share the sadness because it's overwhelming.
Someone to bother to notice me.
Someone who's willing to care for me.
Someone who will be there for me all the time...

Just someone that will be beside me....


But it's not gonna happen now...
Because each time... I'll just smile....

and just hope that... sooner or later... the sadness would be concealed deep down and never to be found...

Like.... wearing different masks... not revealing the real feelings of one self...

Get Used to it

This will be short and erm.... as usual, emo.

Hahahahha.... Blog is the place where I'll write all the emo stuff here, kay.?
So, sorry if you feel that it's... erm.. depressing.?
It should be. lol. x3

Okay. So...
I have to get used to it.

Being compared to my both brothers.

1) They're results are goooooood. As in.. really good. haiz.
I dunno. Is it that I didn't study hard enough or is my way of study wrong.
I'm not sure.

2) They're independent. I mean... They don't iron their own clothes like I do. They don't fold their clothes like I do. They don't help mum to wash dishes like I do. They don't help taking in clothes or putting them out to dry like I do. But they always always always seem to be much more independent than me. Some might say because I'm the youngest and all. yeaa... that. heard a lot of times.

Yes. I feel that maybe they really did manja me. But.

I'm the one who have to be the center between mum and dad. Not them.
I'm the one who have to listen to mum's ALL complaints about dad. Not them. And it's ALL the time.
I'm the one who sometimes get blame because I voice out. Not them. Because they're grown up or wat-so-ever.

Each time I complain about my family. I feel damn bad and guilty.
I feel that there's people out there having to face much more worse than me.
I know all of that.
I know that we have to be grateful of what we have.
I am. But still. This is tough.

Haizzzzzz... Sometimes I'd wonder if I'm the one with the problem or them.
Am I being not patient enough.? Or not being more understanding.
I don't know. I won't know.

Prom Night

Okay. =.= so everyone is talking about prom this prom that... Partner here and partner there...

I was happy when he invited me to go to the prom with him.
Couple price are much more cheaper.

And so, from that day, i was freaking insecure... Cause he might be trolling or pranking or someone hacked his acc or something...

Haizzz.. and there goes IY, being my optimistic guy... -.-
Not that I don't appreciate but I really do. Because without him, I will be broken sooner.

So~ He came to my class and talked with me about the prom stuff.. That time my friends were all chatting and once they heard him, they stopped. I was freaked out myself cause he sudden appear beside me and talk... =.='' like WOW. Not mentally prepare to chat.. haiz..

My friends all started teasing... =.='' so urghhh..
Face got all red... they said.. -.- nothing to comment there...

So thinking about what will happen  to the prom night would probably be super awkward.

And there goes Flame, saying that the reason he'd ask me to prom is because his 1st attempt failed. He'd ask this girl, but she rejected and so he turned to me.

Well... I have the urge to ask him. But it's none of my business... We have nothing anyways. I have no right at all.

Still.. hahahahaha.. It took me off guard and it kinda hurts.? I don't know.

I don't have the right to complain, I'm the one who _______ his _________ anyways. Now he's asking me to prom as a 2nd hand is actually a good punishment to me.

What comes around goes around I guess... 

So... I should take this as a punishment and not a torture. If I'd forget about it.. It'll probably be better.

a~~~ this hurts.

Car test

Okayyyy~ so, I've listened to all the talks and passed the undang objectives questions.

It's time for Bahagian 2 and 3.

Before taking that exam, I got the same feeling I got last week, mid term add maths exam. Before getting back my add maths result, I got a feeling,  a bad feeling knowing that I won't do good. And it turns out to be true. That's the 1st ever subject in my life I fail something. It meant a lot to me. And this time, I got the same feeling before taking tha car test.

I knew for some reason, that I'll fail. And I did. I cannot seemed to touch the line drawn on the ground. I felt super disappointed. Because through all the training, I've been good. I could say that I've been trained fully but yet I still fail because of nervousness.

I can never concentrate well when I'm being in super nervous mood. Means my mind will be blank. Everything blank. And my friend some more taking the exam with me. That makes me even more nervous.

When I'm nervous, I usually do stuff alone. But when there's someone else,  I'll definitely fail it.

I don't think anyone could imagine how disappointed I am towards myself. Since I didn't show it to anyone... so it's kinda my fault.

BEFORE THE CAR TEST :

There's a few time I got sick of feeling that nervousness. I wanted to hurt myself. XD Hahahaha no worries, I didn't do anything. But seriously, I was fed up with my nervousness. I even went online searching ways to calm myself down but it's all bullcrap. Everything I've done before. Didn't help.

Once, I really had it and cried in the room. Thank god dad n mum not at home. Wanted to call my closest friend but she didn't pick up. So I gave up calling and wrote a letter to her. While crying.

U have to understand, I HATED the feeling of being nervous and each and everything I do reminds me of the car test and I panicked each freaking time and nervous each freaking time.

After a few days, it really help. I don't feel that nervous anymore. But then as days went by and closer to the car test, I noticed the effect wore off. I was stupidly super nervous and thus failed Bahagian 2.

But luckily passed Bahagian 3 as my nervousness has numbed me...

AFTER THE CAR TEST (fail)

No one could see the disappointment I have towards myself. Cause when they asked,  I'd only give a sad face and comment randomly. They thought I'm okay.

My dad laughed at me when he knew I failed n that definitely didn't help at all. My mum say I did not follow the steps so that's why I fail. But anyways... They're not me, I'm not them.. I don't know why they think like that and they definitely don't know how nervous n fed up I was with myself.

Then another time... when my mum went out with her frenz at night. I'm in the room alone. Before I took a bath, I cried. And cried. And tried calling both of my closest friends. But 1 did not pick up as usual. The other is busy. So... why not take a bath 1st, maybe I won't feel that sad anymore.

And I did. I bath while crying the whole time. It's embarrassing to say but yeaaaa. I cried endless through the bath.

After that I stayed in the room trying to wait for my frenz to reply me. But nothing. I can't hold it anymore so I find someone I trust and tell him would he mind if I call n I was crying. He say he won't. So I called.

I thought I've calm down after all the crying but once I said both of my frenz are currently unavailable, I started to break down and cry once again.

At that time, I really thought that I'm so pathetic that I have so little friends to tell my secrets or share my emotions. But then again... It's not them... It's me. I don't trust them enough to do so...

Ok... so I called and cried and say random stuff that made me sad. He's just there listening n really supported me. Even though later I find that it's a stupid move I made... but I did not regret it. I'm glad I called him. Thanks so much.!

I got a better feeling on my retake car test... and so.. I finally passed it. Yay me... but it feels like a dream... doesn't seem real...

I was able to drive normally cause I converted some of the nervousness to anger... that helped a lot.. thanks again. His support really meant a lot to me. Thanks.

Eating Food Together

Okayyyyy. So... My food are usually packed by mum and dad and I'll eat it at home. My mum and dad doesn't cook.. so yea, have been eating outside food since I'm in primary school. Can't say since I'm born cause.. I'd either be drinking milk or eating my nanny's cooking <3

If I'm going out to eat.. It's usually with my mum or with the accompany of my mum. I never like going out to eat with my dad. 1st, he's annoying. 2nd, we have nothing to talk about. 3rd, it's awkward.

We only eat dinner together when there's somebody's birthday. And it's even MORE awkward. Because there's very less topic we could talk about. All the topic we've talked about are about their working and stuff like that. I could never joined in because I don't understand at all. At least there's mum, who I can actually chat something random things about.

Eating with my brothers give me stress. They eat super fast, and I'm slow. They'll have to wait for me if I don't hurry up. And to catch up, I'll have to eat super fast which will make me vomit. And there's nothing to chat about between us. NOTHING except for studies or results. OR SILENCE there. I don't think anyone could understand how SILENCE could be this loud.

Eating with my dad is even worse. I don't like eating with him. I don't know why. Just by looking at his face ticks me off. With his stupid annoying smile everytime he disturbed me and trying to be fun. THAT'S NOT FUN AT ALL. IT'S SUPER IRRITATING AND U DON'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP.

And today~ 2nd bro wanna treat dad to dinner eating western. Mum went out with friends as usual. Big bro trying to leave the house and join his friends as usual. Dad wanted me to join them. HELL NO. IT"S EVEN MORE SAD TO KNOW THAT EVEN IF WE WENT OUT TO EAT DINNER TOGETHER, WE GOT NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.! THERE'S NOT EVEN A SINGLE TOPIC OTHER THAN MY STUDIES. FUCK.

That's why I rather stay at home and enjoy myself. But they don't get it. They never do. Of course they won't. They're not me, they don't think like me.

If I could... I would just go to my friends' house anytime I want like in anime[s]. This is why anime makes my day.

Me

                         Sometimes I feel useless. I've told myself over and over again to start working hard on my studies. But every time it's  a Friday or weekend... I would just let my guard down and waste my time on tv, manga, and anime[s]. I hate this. I really really hate this. Because I can't be like my friends nor brothers. They're results are like. Much better than mine in anyway. Once, my 2nd bro was talking about results with me. I can't answer him. BECAUSE, I'm not as good as them, nor even half of them. I suck. I hate this part. I really wanna change that. I really really want to show them what I'd got. But I guess, when you're growing, other grows too, so if u want to out grown them, u have to grow faster than them. JL once ask Why Do I Care About My Results If My Mum Doesn't Care. That hurt. But I can't answer that time. I don't know why. But now I've found my answer. Because, I don't want to be that person, "because-no-one-care-then-suck-person". Most of everything came out from JL's mouth about me are sarcastic. It's her attitude. But she doesn't noticed it. She just thinks it's because she was being straight forward. I don't like how she shows her face when her results are lower than mine and hit me seriously. But when I got lower marks than hers, she don't allow me to even complain that my marks are lower than hers. Haiz.

                           Sometimes I feel I'm not needed. I mean. There's so many people around the world. Even if I'm gone, even if someone will be sad when I'm gone... I'll then just become a memory that was once lived in their lives. Slowly, no one would even care. My existence didn't mean a lot to myself. I would change my health for my mum if I'm healthier than her. I would. Cause she's living her life to the fullest and having fun with her friends. All I do was having fun at home. One of friend says I'm sociable. Hahahaha.. That was so unexpected. Even if I am , I don't feel it. Even if I'm not, it doesn't make any difference.


                          Sometimes I feel that I'm seriously not someone I thought I am. I always thought if I can learn to understand other people, able to feel what other people was feeling, I'll get to be a better person. But I was actually wrong. Understanding them that easily isn't really helpful at all. You get what they are going through. But, no one else knows. But they just used your theories and made them happy. I'm used. Nobody will know I'm the one that understand them the most. But even only understanding them don't help. But being there. I was and am and will. But just that, they won't noticed I was and am and will. Because I'm silently standing not interrupting them. Even though, it's fun to see them to get what they're able to get.



                           Sometimes I can't figure out what I'm feeling and why. My mood swings by easily. It depends on what tone are you using on me, what songs I'd heard, or what I'd saw. Feelings and moods changes so many times and so frequently until I'm unable to catch what's the real me feeling inside. They say living life as a student is to have fun. But how can you get good grades and yet have extreme fun each day. I appreciate each day I'd lived but, I don't think I've live it to the fullest. One of my classmate once asked me Why don't you have fun a bit.? Aren't you bored living like this.? Everyday do homework isn't it bored for you.? And another one said to me Your life doesn't look fun at all.


                             Sometimes I feel very lonely. Where it's only me and me myself.

                            Some times I just become moody and blank. No idea why this happens all of the sudden.

                           But everything's gonna be ok. Because. stuff like this gets buried easily deep down sooner or later.

Set people up

I don't know since when, I've got the habit of setting people up or acting about something. I seriously don't know when or why I'd do that. I've noticed this habit last year, I'm trying to change but I can't seem to get rid of this habit.

I personally can easily see through someone's stuff / feelings / thoughts when I feel like it. But sometimes I didn't mean to do it. I didn't want to know that much. Because knowing all of that hurts myself. Because knowing they're actually lying straight at ur face. Because knowing they're not even trying to tell u the truth.

It really hurts. No one might know how much I've been hurt because no one walks my path so I don't blame them. I blame myself. Sometimes I just want to shut down my feelings and just not feel at all. All of the feelings mixed together confusing me. I don't like that kind of feeling.
Sometimes I'd ask questions I knew the answer to see whether u lied to me or not. This is normal. But... what about setting people up.? Setting them up, knowing which move they will take , knowing what they're gonna say... I feel bad. It's like it's all according to my calculation.

But it isn't that bad. Because of this, I can easily understand. I can know what will happen and feel anticipated.

I've seen it all. But most of all. I can be sure that my parents taught me this.
To know what question can be ask.
To know what things should be done.
To know when actions can be done.
Most importantly,  to know how to hide ur feelings well and act out normal.

2013 Kem Bersepadu

It was my 1st ever camp I'd join. Cause I never like the activities given. I don't like the stuff we need to put up with. I don't like that we have to do what they say accordingly when the teachers don't. They say to improve our style on living. Wad abt them.? Don't they need to learn too.? This is why most of the teachers get cocky.

Never mind that. Haizzzzz. Another reason is, I'm afraid to have a team that doesn't work together. I've heard many stories, see through many kinds of stuff like that happen. I'm afraid that I'll lose control of my temper and people will look at me differently.  Because as they say, the good stuff we did can never be remembered but the bad stuff we did will always be in their mind.

But luckily,  I got a really reliable team mates and leader. I would never change my teammates. I'd really enjoyed every moment of it because of them. They made us laugh, we had lots of fun despite the activities given. They really lifft up my mood. I really really do love them. They are the best. My leader made sure everyone is involved without forcing. Unlike other groups counting on someone to do all the stuff. We really did had fun. I love it.

Before the night walk, I was really scared that I might see something because everyone was being so tensed and nervous. Walking up the hill, was still being scared until my teammates lift uo the mood. My leader and his frenz were so funny and sweet. Slowly I don't feel that scared anymore but troublesome cause it was very slippery and the girl behind kept falling and pulling me. Haiz.

Going down the hill was worse. I kept cursing in my heart each and every moment. I became super irritated, annoyed and pissed off. Cause going down was REALLY slippery and she kept pulling me down. And plus, it's already midnight 1am something and I'm tired and I'm already not that sporty like I used to be.

Thank goodness I survived the night walk. Haizzzzz.

Exams

Exam month = May.
3 weeks of having exams and the last day of sch is teacher's day.
Then that Friday and Saturday have to go for kem bersepadu.
I really don't feel like going. I don't know why. No idea.

Okayyyy. So exam.
These few days because of exam.
I became super tired even though nothing changes much. I also don't know why I feel so tired.

Because of me being super tired. In school,  I have no energy to entertain my friends at all. Most of my subject paper. I did halfway and was fishing.

I really want to thanks You Liang, Zheng Foong and Mango making the atmosphere around funnier. They made me relax somehow. They are very funny. I like them. But sometimes they may be over the top. Distracting u from ur thoghts but without them, I'll probably get nervous breakdown.

I don't think my friends knew I'm nervous. I think they think that I'm being moody and all. Well, whatever. Lucky they didn't constantly disturb me like wad JL did today. I'll probably boom them. And thank god I didn't boom JL. Almost did, but thanks to all the training from Nurul ( since standard 1 I knew her and she always kacau me all the time )

I admit I'm short tempered. But I don't boom someone I feel they need my protection... meaning someone who is soft and easily cry. So I only boom JL , JY and Flame.

I feel sad whenever my mum....
Yeaaaa. I'll keep this to myself.

Well... overall. As long as I reach home. I feel sad for no reason. Hahahaha. But as long as I know my friends will be there, it'll be alright.

Naruto : Road to Ninja.

So~ The left side is Menma ( which looks like Naruto in another dimension ). The right side is Naruto.

It's a nice story plot. Well... At least I liked it. =] It's nice. Very touching too <3
There's Naruto and Sakura scenes... But only 1 part Sakura with Sasuke...

In the story... Naruto gets to meet back his parents in another dimension. But it's actually Menma's parents.

 This movie made me cry in the end cause... Naruto, who have been longing for parent's care and love, got his wish but it turns out to be a fake to him. When he's leaving with Sakura to be back to their original world... Naruto cried and told them even it's a short while, he enjoyed it. The warmth and love they gave, he appreciate it a lot.

When they got back, Naruto felt very sad and lonely... When he reached his hse, knowing that there will be no more a dad and mom saying : Welcome back, to him. But Iruka-sensei was inside waiting for him... With cakes and everything... Naruto cried once again and Iruka-sensei said : Welcome back, Naruto.

Was so touched. And I got overly emotionally attached to that scene.
I went up, into the room and locked the door. Played my music player and started to cry out. It's been very long to cry this much. I cried almost like half an hour... Long time didn't cry until like this edi.
Still... Hope my eyes don't be swollen 2morrow... If not.. -.- troublesome.

I really felt super sad and all... I cried and cried and cried and cried until I even stop bothering what made me felt so sad in the 1st place. I just continue to cry and cry and cry until I felt that I need to stop because I still have to go down to eat my dinner.

My dad will see my stupid red face. Mum.? She's busy having party with her friends.

It's a sad day for me. Well.. not really.. Just that moment. Seriously sad.

2nd brother's birthday.

My mum planned his birthday celebration a week earlier. She talked abt it for a while now.

She told me, that K gor cannot celebrate on Thursday cause he's busy. So we'll celebrate on his actual birthday date, that is Friday.

My mum saud that she'll be late for her line dance party after the dinner.

- Usually, the 5 of us only eat dinner together when there's celebration of something.-

So I told her why not change to celebrate it on Saturday.
.... she told me cause she feels bad. That K gor have to pass his birthday only can celebrate.

She said she will feel bad.
Then did she ever thought how my 17th birthday went through. ?

I didn't even get to celebrate my birthday. There's no cake, no dinner. Heck. There's nothing except wishes.

If u think from the bright side, at least got wishes.

My friends all thought... " Heyyyyy,  she's the youngest and a girl too, bet she gets all the attention"

They don't know...
... my mum constantly talked abt ny brothers in front of me.
... my dad constantly saying how good their results are.
The 2 of them will always constantly remind me how far I am behind my brothers.
They always see them much much better than me.

Even if they don't sweep the hse. Even if they don't help out our parents to do stuff. Even if they don't iron their own clothes. 

And once I pointed out their bad sides, my mum protected them. Saying that they're working now. But what abt when their in sch.?! Did they do the same as me.??

I juz don't get it. How and why can she sees things so different towards different people.

Talkig to them, she always tries to be patient. She complaints them at me, even 发脾气 at me but never them. She always always aim me.

My dad's the worst. Everyday kacau kacauuuuuuuu kacauuuuuuuu.
Like u keep on freaking touching u. I swear I will call him molester 1 day. He likes to touch touch touch. Hit me for no reason. Repeat stuff n times juz cause he's bored. U bored then go work la.!!! U everyday at home boring when go work laaaa. !!

DAMMIT.

Qing Ming

Last time... All the while, when we need to go for Qing Ming... We always go to Father's side only... Means my dad's mother and father... To pay our respect and clean their graves.

This year, my mum and dad each have their Qing Ming program on the same day. So it crashed together. I don't want to go to my Father's side for Qing Ming. It's not that I do not want to pay my respect to my grandfather and grandmother, it's just that.. I do not want to have that feeling again and again and again...

Usually, we will go Qing Ming together...  Mum, Dad, big bro, 2nd bro and me... with father's side family. Our cousins from father's side that attend are all grown ups. And as a child, they find my helping unnecessary. My brothers are boys, so they can help with the heavy stuff. I'm a girl and a child. So usually, I'm left with nothing to do at all. Not that doing nothing is good, but... the feeling of everyone around ignores you like you shouldn't even be here if u're that useless. Then, my aunt will give me LOTS of joysticks to put at other people's graveyard as a respect.

My brothers and I will go around and put those joysticks. Each separate ways. I don't like that. I don't like being alone in the cemetery walking around. I hate that feeling. Not that I could ask my brothers to be with me. Haaa... me.. and them.? like a real brother and sister.? It doesn't happen in the family. Not mine. We're exactly what you call... " Familiar Stranger " We don't speak, we don't share. Funny that even when they came back from work, I'll say " Hi, gor. " None replies. None... From them. A good reply will be " en... "

And at least even when my mum will be busy helping out at the cemetery, she'll still talk to me. Now.? She's not gonna be there. Only my brothers and dad. And I don't even talk to them much. Going there, will be like a torture to myself. I tried to find plans so that I'll able to skip that Qing Ming.

One of my friends asked : " Can skip 1 meh.? " The other replied : " Dunno her... "
Yeah. yeah. I dunno what to say about this. Because, they're not me, and I don't expect them to feel the same as I do but still... A little bit considerate will do.? Please.? I need that......

It's lonely... Really lonely.

You guys going with families. At least they chat with you. At least they'll talk with you. At least, they are there.... knowing that you're around.

I really don't expect anyone to understand... Because they might feel : " Aiya... something like this small case lah... or you're being too sensitive over something like this. etc. "

Try living it for years. Years.

Crush

So~ My friends... All tease me about the guys that MAYBE liked me or some which confessed to me before...

But... every time after that teasing... I'll think of the one that I once like. Had a crush on him for like 3 years, until standard 6 only confessed to him.
Hahahaha.. Got reject though...

Karma.? Maybe.? Cause before that... Turned down lots of confession from other boys. Haaa... It's last year already, not surprised.

Now, it's either I want to find someone to be with me to ease the loneliness or... I'd really fallen for him. hahahaha.. Afraid though... To find out which is which.. Scared to be hurt like last time... Seriously.. afraid to be reject again.. That feeling... It hurts.... Really really hurts...

So... For now... I'll just live my life... without any relationships... If he, would approached me again. Maybe this time, I'll try, to be with him.

But life isn't a fairy tale. Nothing like that from my imagination will come true even how much one prays it to come true.

So... Face the reality and live my life. Forget those us teenagers shouldn't worry about and get on with our lives.

What have I done?
I wish I could run away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep makin' a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?
To get it right
Can I start again?
With my faith shaken, 'cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep makin' a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?
So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
I'll send out a wish and I'll send up a prayer
And finally someone will see how much I care
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Oh, my best intentions keep makin' a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take to get it right?
To get it right

Mother with children

Dear mum, u aren't home yet. Guess that should be a normal thing. U would always go out with ur frenz till late night. And ruin our plan. Yeahhhh,  congrats.

So... I find that ny mum definitely love children. She treat other children better than her own children.

Last time when my 2nd bro didn't do something, mum took his ps 2 memory card as a punishment. And when I didn't do my homework, she would not let me sleep till I finish it.

Then Joshua, my cousin who is in primary sch, he's naughty, lazy and playful.  That day he didn't finish his homework and his mum juz scold him, juz scold only. Then my mum will go near him and pampered him. Stupid. Urggggh. If he's a good kid, I dun mind. But wad the hell.?! A kid like him u also can treat so well why not to ur children. ?!?!

Many many more examples can be given but my hands are tired... -.- and I wanna sleep. That's all then.

Blood Test

So... As the title said, it's about a blood test. My friends and I went to do a blood test for the Hepatitis B... It's held in the school.

Asked my mum's permission and the RM 16, wanted to go on Thursday, but my friends totally forgot about it... So we went on Friday.

After the Islam thingy program, we went to the Bilik Kesihatan, but it's full with people, so we went back to our class and wait for them to call us.

Finally, it's our turn. I'm not afraid at 1st, cause I've gotten injection lots of times. 3 times when I'm younger : On the Hand, on the arm, on the butt. Twice in primary school : Both on arm, but different injection. Once in Secondary School, for the jaw thingy... This would be the 1st time getting my blood to be taken. xDD Kinda cool... in a way. Was a LITTLE bit excited, but because of the influence of both my friends, RH and JL, they made me feel scared.

Okay~ So among us 3, I'm the 1st 1 to go. Was calm and the nurse took my blood. A male friend of mine saw how calm I am and was shocked and said : Whoahh ~ You're so calm... I was like >>> =.=''
Okay.?

After that, went outside to wait for my friend, played with my arm a bit. As you know the blood won't dry that fast, so I went to take off the cotton and bent my elbow, the blood squirt out. xD
nyahahaha.. it looks kinda cool. I tried demonstrating it to the other male friends outside, but the blood stop squirting out. =w=''

Stayed with them for a while, only a SHORT while, I felt dizzy and wanted to go to the bench and sit down to rest. When I was walking over there, my head was spinning. SERIOUSLY, DIZZY.

Was quiet all the while, I thought : Let me rest for a while, maybe it'll be better. But I was wrong... As I sat there longer, I became more uncomfortable... My eyes were starting to become blur-er and blur-er... with very bright light, plus my head is freaking dizzy, my ears were starting to unable to hear, something like there's water blocking inside of your ears, plus, my body felt numb. Was suddenly sweating a lot and a lot with cold sweat, and I was finding it hard to breathe.

While it's happening, I thought I was either gonna to faint or die. Haaaa... cause when the nurse took my blood, she pulled the syringe and push back a little of my blood back. -.- so yea, I thought there's air bubbles in the blood she pushed back.

So, if it turns out I'll die, I panicked at 1st when I thought I'm gonna die, but then something strike my mind that, dying here right now, didn't mean anything to me. Weird right.? Usually, people will be afraid to die at this age cause they find there's so much more things they haven't accomplished. But for me, I don't know why I felt, even if I die, it won't be that much big of a deal. The stuff I want to accomplished won't happen anyway, I'm not being pessimistic, I'm just being realistic.

And, if it turns out I'll faint, I know they'll definitely call my parents. And the 1st who will freak out will be my mom. My mum is a klutz when she panicked. I won't wanna trouble anyone. Everyone I know will keep on asking How Am I... if I woke up. Everyone will try to care, I know it's good but, the way they look at me isn't caring at all... It's fear. They fear. So, I force myself to stay conscious.

I tried to talk, was staying quiet all the while cause I have no energy, I asked my friend to call the chinese nurse for assistance. She told me to sit on a sofa with a lower posture and asked my friend to find sweet for me to eat. Sat there quite a long time. Both of my friends, RH and JL was so worried. I can't help but to be more healthier.? even a little bit, that can help lifting their worries, I hope.

Then, 2 male classmates of mine came. They accompany us chatting and talking, that was nice. Class reunion should be something like this, talking about everything without any groups. Hahaha, JL even ask them to piggy-back carry me, but they suggest to princess-carry me ( -.- )  to our classroom cause I seriously can't move. I felt much more better that time, it's just that the head is still dizzy and my body is like paralyzed. Other than my primary male best friend, they are the sweetest male friend ever. They are there accompanying us, that's very sweet. Because you can't find very less friends that are not your BEST friend, to be by your side when you're not feeling well.


 Actually, I did not plan to tell my mum that I almost fainted cause I don't want her to be worried. But JL... =.='' told her. At 1st she didn't believe, after dropping JL and her sister down. Only I told her it's true. I really, seriously, thought that she'll be worried. But instead, she thought I was afraid of blood. She thought I almost faint was because of a stupid drop of blood where everybody has in them, and not because my body is actually stupidly weak and I didn't eat anything.

Well... Told myself again and again and again and again not to have hopes on family relationships. I did, not having high hopes on anything but every time when it comes to something like this, I'll have that hope that won't exist and made me fall harder each and every time.

As what the picture said. Once upon a time. Where it still seems good, but never perfect.

Childhood friends.

I remember saying my 4 male childhood friends behind my hse.?
That was a really memorable days. Bc, when I'm young, my time at home is extremely less. Plus, I'm not that close with my brothers... so, they are the only friends I could play with when I'm stuck at home. They are fun and they take care of me. Now it reminds me that, they felt like brothers to me. Except for the younger ones. They find me to ply with, elders take care of me. It was nice until my family shifted.

I missed them. I don't even recognized them. I can't even remember their faces... but I missed them.

Primary, I said once my best friend, fell in love with the same guy as me. And our relationship became distant.

There's another girl too. She's a rich girl. She's actually from the 1st class. But in standard 5, she went to out class, the 2nd class. It was awkward for her bc 2nd class n 1st class are like rivals. Both class didn't get along. Even in canteen, each table has their own class. Except for other classes. But slowly, she came to me and we got along very well. When it was her bday, she even invited our whole class to go. Her hse was a bungalow, there's swimming pool there. I got pushed down by the water N-times till I decided to juz stay in the water. When it's getting late, she took me into the toilet acting as if we're using it to bluff her little twin sisters. She wants me to stay over at her hse. I wan too of course, but my mum. So yeaaaa.

After that year, she went back to 1st class edi. And she never talked to me anymore. It's kinda sad. But Yeahhhh.  Life.

Me, Myself and I

I look like a nerd. I look like a good girl. I look like normal girls which likes barbie dolls. I look like a girl who doesn't do sports. I look like an indoor type girl.

But... actually... no one knows.

Since young, I've been playing with my behind neighbours. 4 boys. Almost every night or evening, we'll play together.  I'm a tomboy.

Since primary school, I've participated in running and basketball tournaments in school only. Running win all the time. But sadly basketball nope. Only got 2nd and 3rd place. I'm actually active in sports.

Primary school, I've learned ballad until grade 2. All my exams are distinction.  Performed once in mid valley.

Secondary school, I've learned hip hop dances. Performed once in mid valley too. Danced with a boy before too. Too bad the studio lost the video of it. TT.TT

I like basketball a lot. I like dancing a lot too. But sadly. I don't have that much stamina. I get very easily tired and I find it hard to breathe and then, I'll feel super headache.  So that's why I stopped being so active in sports.

It only started since I'm standard 6. So that's why my secondary fren look down on my sports' side.

Haizzzz. Haizzzzz. Too bad. They can't see the active me. Too bad.

What people thinks...

So~

My friends thinks I'm a "princess" girl at home. Like not doing any house chores or any stuff by myself.
Well... they didn't know tat most of the house chores in the house is done by me and my mum ONLY. Mum does everything in the house, and I'm the only that's suppose to help. Sweeping, moping, hanging clothes, washing dishes,  wipe the table.
That's all done by me. I find it offensive tat they say I don't help doing hse chores when I'm the one doing all of it, excluding my mum.

Next, most of the people will think tat my mum loved me the most cause I'm the youngest n I'm a girl.
But, they don't know... Sometimes, my mum will talk about how great my brothers are, how their work is going on, how good they were last time, wanting me to make them as my example, wanting me to be as good as them, she's proud of them. She doesn't need to tell me that cause she's constantly praising them in front of me.

Many people think that being the youngest is the best. But it only depends on the family and the parents. For me, the 3 of us don't live that "best", being the eldest, middle or youngest. For my big bro, he has to take an example role of a good brother. For my 2nd bro, he too have to follow the examples and to achieve good results as big bro did. For me, I have to do the same. Being the youngest doesn't mean things go in my way. Last time, I'll have to let brothers to use comp before me. Not they let me. Watching tv too. And when it's holiday,  family gathering,  I'll have to let my younger cousins to play.
That's why they say Life isn't fair.

My parents think that I'm still a child, not knowing anything. But they don't know I know what's happening... ... ..

My far away cousin sister

My cousin sister who is 2 years older than me.

We were close last time.
Each CNY celebration,  we will always be together.  But then as time flows... she started to distant herself.

I remembered once, I cried so hard cause I have to go back and will miss her so much. She was like a big sister to me.

But then everything changes until the 3rd day of CNY.

She was drunk/high and she was staying beside me. I had fun. Because it's like time went back to the days. Except she was being a pain in the ass than a big sister.

She's fun. And I had fun.
Except the part she tells her mum how she feels,  I almost cried, but I quickly went to the toilet to cool myself down.

Anyways,  cousin sis. Thx for the memorable day.! ♥

Drunk

3rd day of CNY, aka my bday.
We went back to Seremban.

My cousin sister which was 2 years older than me got drunk by the night.

Drunk or high, I dunno how to differentiate.

She drank a lot of glass of whiskey.  And so... yeah.

So I have to jaga her and stop her from drinking again. Her mother was asking me if I'm scared or something. Heck.? I got a aunty, who got drunk most of the time. Used to it alrdy.

So I sat beside my cousin and jaga her. She talked a lot and move a lot. Having her to drink Chinese tea was super hard. But Yeahh.. manage to.

A few of us, mostly adults were playing along with her to be high and join her to sing song and all.

She kept hugging me, lying on my lap, my chest and kissing me. -.- not tat I mind, it's ok, actually.  But the part she hit me a few times was freaking pain. -.-"

At last we went home and she went to sleep.

The next day I saw in her instagram saying, "3rd day of CNY, kinda screw it up cause I don't remember half of it "

Birthday

So...

Tuesday, 12/2. 初三。
Was my birthday.

I kinda knew it won't be celebrated cause it's the 3rd day of CNY.

And, only 7 ppl wished me.
They remembered or maybe they saw the post which reminded them.
Either way, thx for the wishes.

As usual, my mum would be the one to wished me. Next was my  mum's sis. Then it's Rui, both in fb n msg. Then, it's Ying in fb, next was kar lok in fb and lastly, it's my senior,  chi yen.

Well...I always know that don't get my hopes too high cause u'll fall harder.

Both of my brothers didn't wished me. And I thought our relationship was better than before.  Guess not, huh. My dad, was with me and mum whole day but he didn't wished me too.

It's ok right. Yeahhhh, it's ok. We have to keep continue to smile right.? 

Last time,  my bday was "celebrated" byy family. By celebrate meant eat dinner together. And nothing else. No cake, no chats, nothing. Only phone and food.

Hahahaha. Isn't it cute... so damn cute isn't it.

My Nanny

Since young, I was not being take care by my parents.  It was my nanny. A chinese nanny.
While both of my bro has an indian nanny.

My nanny is an awesome woman. She's a very good person. I admire her so much and love her. But I never dare to say n probably won't.

My friend lost her nanny just now. I think. And it make me scared. I dont want to lose her. Not her.

Every time after kindergarten, I will go to her hse. And after I grew up, I will often go her hse too.
But now, I visit her very little. Because I find it awkward and boring to be there.

She took care of me and she is the most hardworking person I've ever known.

I remember once I woke up real early, I was holding my bolster sitting on the stairs looking at my nanny doing house chores and taking care of everything in the house. I felt warm and went to sleep back on the stairs.

She is a very important person to me. I love her a lot. She means a lot to me.

I wish and hope she'll live a long and happy life. ♥

Love you forever,  my one and only nanny. ♥

Piss off.

I thought. U know, dad tried to chg.

Cause he helped me took my tuition bag once this year. And he was suddenly giving pocket money willingly without me asking for it.

And my mum. I thought she chg too.
Cause she received less phone calls. That I know of. And she wanted to take me to eat my fav dinner.

But 2day. Everything was back. Every single stupid thing is back. Dad is being his usual self again. Being an ass and annoy me around.
Mum is going out more than 15 times at night in January.

U know. Fug this, fug tat. I hate this shit.

Annoyed

My mum is the one who said family is more important than frenz.
But most of the night, she herself always go out with her frenz.

My dad. Being an asshole as usual.
Always irritating me ALL the way.
I thought he'd chg. But NO.
It was all a fuggin lie.

I was never close with my parents when I'm in primary sch. Never.
Because my time at home is super less. Every time when I've reach home. Its alrdy nigt. And there's tons of h/w to do n stuff to memorize.

When its weekend,  I'll play with the neighbours boys but not my brothers.

My brothers and I never played with each other. I only remember when I was little I always argue with my 2nd bro. My big bro, it's like he's not even in the family.  It's like he doesn't even bother.

So I very appreciate my friends n dun wan to lose them. Cause my family is not like a family at all.
It's juz like strangers with identity living through it.

Extremely Little Accident

So after my Kingdom Hearts fever, I rarely post anything.

Well... for me...
When things happen, I tried to hide it away or buried it deep in my heart until I cant take it anymore and POOF, I post it in here.

Nothing really did happen but my mum hurt her right leg, last toe. Apparently, MAYBE her bone might be cracked. I went to learn abt the bone's name and now I've totally forgot abt it.

My mum... She likes to do things her own way and by herself if she could.

Sometimes, I would juz wan to shout in front of to stop being so damn ARROGANT. Haiz...

So now, she'll need to ask my bro(s) to carry the heavy stuff. Usually it's either me or my mum.

I tried to express to her tat sometimes, u need to ask for help and not quietly waiting for help or do stuff all by urself.

And she end up ordering me to do all the stuff. Dammit. Tat made me freaking pissed.

I hates to be ordered around. HATE IT VERY MUCH.

Because, she could ask her sons. Both of them to hlp. But NO... she like to ask me.

Haizzz. Cant help it right.? I cant really complain to other ppl cause this is wad children suppose to act right.?!? Obey everything ur parents say.

Screw it man. Haiz.. -.-

Get well soon, mum.